Build-A-Boyfriend

17

The queue for the bathroom is ridiculous and after the couple of hours sleep I managed to get, I'm not in the mood for being patient.

I'd managed to find blankets and cushions for everyone to make up their own beds on the floor. It was hard enough getting to sleep while listening to Louis compose love poems out loud but I managed, only to be woken a couple of hours later by Robert, who was staring at me as I slept.

I mean just stood in the corner of my room STARING at me. I nearly had a heart attack and my scream brought Louis and Harry crashing over to my side of the room.

Robert sulkily said he was missing Susan and that she liked him to do it. I can't help but wonder what hella mad kink you've got, if you get off on some pale dude silently watching you drool on your pillow and fart in your sleep.

Harry got a bit possessive after that and insisted on sleeping in my bed, curled up on top of the covers. I vaguely wondered why Niall hadn't woken up but Harry innocently told me he'd smoked a magic cigarette to help him sleep and I decided that I didn't even want to know any more than that.

So all in all, I'm not thrilled to find Harry, Robert and Louis queuing to use the bathroom before me.

Louis is wearing a emerald green tunic and matching velvet hat. I notice with a jolt that he has a sword casually swinging from a belt. Next to him, Harry's stood, waiting patiently for his turn in his canary yellow Hufflepuff pyjamas. It's the strangest sight I've ever woken up too.

"How long as he been in there?" I groan, hearing Niall ohm-ing over the sound of the shower. Harry turns with a smile at the sound of my voice but before he can speak Louis does;

"Good morn, fair maiden! Why, your beauty illuminates this fair morning, because of your face this day becomes a work of art-" One glance in the mirror next to him tells me that he's talking shit, but I appreciate the sentiment- "Forgive us if this rapscallion has halted the progress of your-"

"He's been in there ages." Harry cuts over Louis with a sigh.

"Ages. Huh. You don't know the meaning of the word." Robert says mournfully. "When you've lived as long as I have, seen the things I've seen-"

"Robert, you're three months old like the rest of them." I snap. He glares at me for a second before turning his face away in a dignified manner.

It takes forever for everyone to be ready. Thankfully, Louis insists that I take his place in the queue but by the time everyone is sat around the breakfast table I've been awake for nearly two hours.

After the surprising revelation that Robert is a strict vegetarian and faints at the sight of blood, Nialls insistence that his food must be organic, Louis demanding that he be allowed a flagon of mead with his breakfast (despite the fact I have neither a flagon or any mead in my kitchen) I'm ready to scream in frustration.

They're all going to have to go home, I can't handle this.

Nialls being evasive about why he's here and it's not until after breakfast when Harry has popped to the shop for some flour for his latest cake, that I hear him whispering with Robert and Louis and I realise what's happened. They've all heard from their girlfriends about Harry's disastrous meeting with Janet from the Dream factory and have come with the pretence of needing somewhere to stay in order to comfort him.

"We have to comfort him. After all," Louis whispers to the other two, "The poor gentleman in question is not given any comfort between the legs of his lady." 

"Ok then!" I interrupt with a loud boom of false laughter, watching as they all jump apart. "I think it's time for you all to leave. Harry's just fine-"