Reinvent Love

twelve wooden roses

That night I had a dream about a promise I made myself almost a year ago. In the dream I was writing out twelve letters to go with these wooden roses that I would give to the amazing people in my life who kept me going. The reason I was doing this was because I told myself that if my life didn't get better in a year, I'd end it. The people who got the roses were the only things I was living for. I wrote one to Lucy, One to my friend Azailia, One to my Friend Rayna, One to my friend Genevieve, One to Raymond, One to Augustus, one to Forest, One to my grandmother Ingrid, and thats when I realized, I have no one else. Then I got the idea, I'd use the last four to give to the people I hated with the burning  passion of 1000 firey suns. One to my father, Chuck, one to my bully, Paul, one to a really annoying kid who ruined my classes, Delania, and one to the girl who always made fun of me and called me a fag before I even came out, kristie. One I was done writing all the letters along with a suicide note that I left at the house so someone could at least find my body, I put them in envalopes and Taped the roses on them. I put their name and "from Ruby" on all of them.

 I fumbled around in the drawer of my desk and took out the razor and cut myself for the last time as tears stung my cheeks, It's not like my body would matter any more. In a matter of minutes it would become cold and lifeless, Finally, away from this hell on earth I live through every damn day. Along with scars, bruises cover my body from the mean kids at school, especially Paul. I never bothered to do anything about it, having the thought in my head that It was my fault and he had a good reason to do that to me. For the past few years I had just become the sad excuse for a girl who sat in the back and didn't talk to anybody. An oversized hoodie sheilding the world from my frail body and bruised and cut skin. No amount of water could clean up this shit show. A pathetic excuse for a human. My head was spinning as the air left my lungs. Nothing felt as real as the stinging pain in my arm and the burning tears in my eyes. My vision was blurred and nothing else mattered but the bleeding lines that reminded me of all terrible crimes i've commited. 

thinking about how it would all go down, I put the envalopes in a neat pile while got on my coat and grabbed the rope I had under my bed. I said nothing as I went outside and started sprinting with everything to the red leafed tree in the back of our land amoung dense forest. It stood out from the rest, with bright red leaves boldly outdoing the other trees' bland garb. I climed up the tree, rope held between my teeth and letters in a pile on the ground under me. I tied one end of the rope to a branch and the other end in a slip knot while clinging on to the tree with my legs. I stuck my head throught the hole and braced myself, one, two, three. "Goodbye", I choked out, me being the only one who heard it. The last thing I heard was the sound of the rope making a thumping sound as the dead body on it lost it's grip from the tree and fell as far as the rop would allow.gone. 

When I died in my dream, I woke up in real life. I was hyperventalating  and crying. I got myself together and checked the time. 4:10. Adiline had to be up in three hours and I had to be up in four. Small wimpers were still coming out of me. 

"no no no no no no no stop crying you pathetic loser get yourself together Addy is sleeping and is probably so done with your shit just be normal for once." I cursed myself mentally.

I must of woke Addy up because I heard her get up. suddenly there was nothing I dreaded more than Addy coming around that curtain and seeing me like this. There was a pause while I continued uncontrollably tearing up. Then she walked over to my side of the loft.

"Ruby are you okay?" She asked me.

"Yeah I'm fine. Go back to bed", I said, still sniffling.

"You're obviousy not okay, its 4:15 am and you're crying uncontrollably" She said in a more serious tone.

"Im ok now, I dont want to put all my problems on you" All I wanted to do was get up and walk straight past her to the ladder and down into the shower where I could let my feelings out without her being able to hear me, my sobs being covered up by the running water. 

She gave me a sad look, making me feel guilty about not telling her. The last thing I wanted to do was make Addy upset. 

"I just had a nightmare, it's fine" I said, my head down so my puffy eyes wouldn't show. 

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked me

"It's okay"

"Ruby I'm not going back to sleep until you tell me what happened and I can help you." She said, sympathetically yet seriously at the same time.  She turned on the lamp that was on the bedside table and sat down at the edge of my bed.

"Okay, well in my dream I was carrying out a plan I have where if my life didn't improve in a year, i'd end it. That deadline came so proceeded to go through with it. I wrote out 12 letters to people I loved and hated, and attached a wooden rose to each of them. I took them outside with me along with a rope and then hung myself", I told her bluntly. I didn't want her to get her head rapped around the little details. Just like the stupid emotionally unstable person Iam I started to cry again.

"Is that a real plan you had?" she asked me, sounding really concerned. I slowly nodded my head while tears randown my face. "And the deadlines coming soon" She was speechless for a moment.

"Why do you want to do this?", She asked me.

"I had a terrible life at home, my mother died from a heroin overdose when I was eight and I have an abusive father. I fell into a state of depression. Every day I would find some way to get away from my father, most of the time it was at school, but when I went there I got thrown around and beat up like a rag doll. Sometimes the resort was the internet. My dad thought the internet turned me into some kind of zombie, but really he was just too dumb to understand that I have depression. He really only cares about himself and uses alcohol to cope with the pain. I was basically left to fend for myself, cooking all meals, doing most of the cleaning, bandaging myself after repetative beatings, and somewhat becoming the motherly figure I didnt have. All my dad did was make me work and tell lies about me to other people. He's the reason I'm so self concious, hes the reason I'm so insecure, he's the reason I dont share my thoughts with anyone because I'm afraid they're going to be like him and minipulate the truth" I said. My tears became hot with rage. 

I realized I had been digging my nails into my arm, something I did when I got very angry. Adiline realized this too and tried to pry my hand off my other arm.

"What are you doing?" I asked, not realizing what she was trying to do.

"Your hurting yourself", She told me. Addy took my wrists into the light to reveal scars going all up my arm.She was silent once again.

"I never noticed this", I heard her mutter.

"I told myself never again after I looked back at what I'd done"

Adiline pulled me into hug, "Ruby, you have so much to live for, stay alive, even If it's just for me, I've already lost so many people I care about, and I am not losing you."

"Who have you lost?" I knew I shouldn't of asked that question. But at this point I didn't care. I knew i'd regret letting myself become so soft and open up like this. I knew I'd get mad at myself once again. I was so sick of my mind. I hated it and all the bad thoughts it made me think. Intrusive and abusive. 

"My best friend committed suicide in ninth grade, after that I told myself that I'd do everything I can to keep the people I love alive and happy" She told me

"Wow, your so amazing" I said in awe of her angelic ways." You're an angel"

"No, you're an angel, ever heard the song ruby?" Adiline said.

I smile grew on my face and my cheeks blushed. I sniffled and wiped my face as I gave a half hearted chuckle for a response.

"Come on, lets get to bed, It's nearly 5 now", Addy said. I wanted to just tell her to stay with me and cuddle for the rest of the night, but that would be weird, were just friends. Just. Friends.

*A/N Hi i like watching adventure time even though it's for kids and love pressing flowers  thank you  for coming to my second TED talk because I dont know what to write for authors notes*