{ #4 } The Darker Side Of The Moon (MxM || 18+)

Chapter 17 - Fade To Black

The Darker Side Of The Moon
Book 4 of The Black Moon series
Chapter 17: Fade To Black

Sunday 21 June 2015

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye*

This song by Metallica has always been one of my favorite. It is definitely not one of their loudest, but it is the most melodious to my ears. The strings of the guitar echo in a beautiful way, but James Hetfield's voice holds so much pain that it has never missed to send shivers throughout my body whenever I heard it. The song has been rehearsing in my head over the last few days and I just can't get rid of it. It is there, deeply anchored in my mind, accompanying me every minute I am awake and even in my sleep.

Fate?

Maybe! I never thought that these lyrics would ever match my life so closely; as if I had written these words myself.

However, this is exactly what I feel. The emptiness filling me has become unbearable. I am not even a shadow of who I used to be; much less than that. I used to be a young man full of life, far from perfection, but cheerful and cheeky, always one to try and make people happy. I like to think I was funny; enough to comfort people and lead them away from their worries. Now I have lost my sense of humor. I can't even entertain myself. There is nothing that can make me smile anymore.

This Jeremy is dead, buried six feet deep underground and watching over Timmy's remains. Sometimes, I even wonder if that Jeremy ever existed. Memories of my past are getting scarce, as if my brain had found a way to hide them in a space I can't access. They are all slowly fading away, remaining only blurry pictures of a yesterday I will never get back to. A yesterday that was filled with sadder and more negative events, but with also a lot of good and joyful things; love, happiness, friends.

Once in a while, one of them will pop in my head, giving me a short surge of life.

Gary's love and affection.

I am missing him terribly and I sometimes wonder what he has become after more than a year. I bet he is still in the lifestyle, guiding a new Submissive. It might sound hypocritical of me, but I like to think he found someone else to love, that he is happy. That this person is making him happy. At the same time, it hurts me deeply, because he was my man! He was my Master! Mine to submit to and to love. But I wasn't that lucky.

Then Liam and all our group of friends.

All in all, I only knew him for barely five months, but as his tutor, I got really attached to him. He had become such a good friend! I also wonder how he is doing. Is he still with Master Joshua? Has he gotten over his shyness and grown more confident? I know he was expecting a lot from his affair with Master Joshua, but I also know that the Dominant has always been one to stick to the D/S nature of his relationships. However, there was more with Liam, I believe, and I sincerely hope that they have become more than that by now.

Master Aaron.

He is another person I often think of. He was the one who brought me into this lifestyle. The one who got me to meet that bastard of Andrei in a way, but I don't see things like this. That's just fate. Me or another Sub, it doesn't matter; the result is the same. I will never stop being grateful to Master Aaron for all he did for me. He never failed me. He was always there to teach me a lesson whenever I fucked up. He introduced me to a lifestyle that probably saved my life at the time, and to two men who managed to put me on the right track. It's just too bad that one member of his club was a sick bastard. But it won't prevent me from worshipping Master Aaron for all his goodness.