Finding Fenrir (Underworld Chronicles Fanfiction)

Meditation

Chapter 10:

Hades had left me alone for a moment, unfettered, to get some rest after the Beast's most recent appearance. Even as I sat in the silent dark, I couldn't stop thinking. I was staring up at the ceiling, now wondering which train of thought was mine, or if the other entity with me was thinking for me now.

Stop. Said a voice in my head, making me suck in my breath in a slow hiss. The voice sounded weary and irritated.

"I knew you were there." I whispered into the darkness.

Of course I am, idiot. I'm you.

"You aren't me. You do and say things I wouldn't."

Lies. The voice said in more of a statement than an accusation. All the things I do and say you would have said and done if people had left you the fuck alone.

"No." I replied. "You are a monster. I don't want to hurt Theo. I don't want to betray the trust Hades has offered me. I don't want vengeance."

I never said anything about vengeance. The Beast replied. You came up with that all on your own.

I blinked, my breath choking in the back of my throat. I remembered all the pain. All the humiliation. I watched as Thor put his hand to Jormungandr's back and walked away. I never saw my brother again. I remembered watching as my father was taken away. I remember someone laying a length of intestines on my arm and laughing telling me that they'd use it to bind my father. They had been the guts of my youngest brother Vali. He was still so small....

I winced, fisting my hand into my shirt above my heart as I felt it pounding against my sternum. I curled up, my breath now coming in soft gasps, and grabbed the pillow to shove it onto my head, as if to block out the voice.

Do you think that will stop my voice? The Beast chuckled. Nay, friend. My voice is always with you.

I curled into a ball. "What do you want from me?" I asked in a desperate growl.

I want you to stand up. I want you to speak for yourself. I want you to claim what is yours. Your father was meant to be king of Jotunheim and you are the Fangs of Ragnarok. Fucking act like it.

"I can't." I whispered, clutching tight to the pillow. "I don't want to."

You can. And you must. Take control of your own destiny or I will.

I winced again and curled up tighter. I wanted it to go away. I wanted the voice to stop.

Why do you deny this? I am only what you have made me to be.

"I didn't make you." I replied in an offended hiss.

Yes, you did. There are parts of your memory you don't remember, right? You put me there to live for you. To be stronger than you. How many years of torture did you endure? Who did it?

"Everyone." I whispered. "Centuries."

But how many? Said the Beast's voice in a quiet purr, its voice like a gentle coo in my mind. Can you remember faces?

I was quiet as I tried to summon up the years then finally I shook my head. "I don't know. It all blends together."

You don't remember because you slept through most of it. Came the quiet answer. It was me. I took your place when they burned us. I stood for you as they broke our bones. I stayed while Thor took the hammer to us and flayed us with lightning. I formed words when they would have us be silent. It was always me.