Hamilton OneShots

Pain. Conflict. Decisions... ~ Jeffmads (REAL DEPRESSING)

James Madison's POV

I couldn't describe how I felt when Thomas was hit by the car. I can't remember how many nights I sat by his bed waiting for him to wake up. All the times I wept his name, my only hope being I would even hear a faint whisper. Anything would have been a sign of hope, but hope never came. It got worse when Thomas suffered cardiac arrest, then fell into a coma.

Pain. One of the most unbearable things in the world. Some believe physical pain is horrible, others believe mental pain is the worst. I believe it's the pain that you feel when you watch everything you planned out, come crumbling to the ground. The pain you feel when you watch the only person you ever truly loved slip through your fingers. When you realized what could have been, and realize what was taken away. For me, Thomas being taken away was the greatest trauma I ever experienced.

Often with pain, accompanies conflict. Conflict can make everything a thousand times worse. Physical fights, man versus man... A common conflict in our dying world. Man versus nature or the supernatural encompasses the idea of survival, a natural human instinct... But man versus himself, one of the most challenging conflicts. When you fight with yourself, you're constantly struggling with right and wrong. It can tear you apart. Weighing the pros and cons. I thought I understood self-conflict.

Then I was presented the paper and pen...

Thomas had to be put on life support, he had been on it for a week, and things weren't looking up. So, I was told that since Thomas had no immediate family, and I was his boyfriend, I would be the one signing his life away...

I would be the deciding mind between keeping him here and pulling the plug to let him go.

Then came the decision. I already had tears pooling in my eyes when I read through the paper and saw the line at the bottom. Now it was about rights and wrongs. It was about being humane. But why was that so hard?

Maybe because I've known Thomas since we were babies.

I remember daycare with him, being babysat by his parents. We would play with blocks, or legos, we'd babble with each other. We were free and happy. I remember starting kindergarten. I had and still have horrible separation anxiety, I was terrified to be away from my family. Then I realized Thomas was there, he always was. Every time I needed him, he was there with open arms and a smile. We grew together, going to school together, same classes. I took whatever he took. When I was bullied, Thomas was right there. Through it all. In grade 9, when his father died, I was there for him as he had done for me. He got over it through the years, with my help. In grade 11 we auditioned for the school play, and we got in! Together in rehearsal we would fuck around and make jokes, we enjoyed ourselves. Cliche as it is, Thomas had one rule he lived by. It wasn't even a rule, it was his cliche saying: "you only live once."

That was Thomas, he believed in enjoying the moment, and creating memories that you could carry everywhere. He lived in the present. Never dwelling on the past, never worried about the future. He was concerned with the "right now" in life. I loved that. He was carefree and happy. Passionate about liberty and freedom, something he never shut up about. We had so much fun.

Graduation was even better, Thomas was asked to give the final speech, which he delivered flawlessly.

It's an honour for me to be here today. So many students can write and present wonderful crafts of literature that could have been presented. Talent is everywhere at our school, so I feel great honour, and pressure, to be here today. School is an experience, once in a lifetime. You're only 18 once. You only get that experience once. Those experiences become memories which you can call upon to remind you of the correct path when you are blinded by darkness. Everything in life is a "now" moment. You can only truly enjoy something in the moment it's happening. Sure, memories are great and all, but that's all they are, memories. You have to learn to enjoy the moment and not concern yourself with the mystery of the future, or the overcasting shadow of the past. Life is a journey, you will experience joy, you'll one day have a smile that you'll keep with you for years. You find and meet people who can draw a smile out of you when you truly need it.