Temporary Bliss [boyxboy]

28: Realization

Caleb

(Note: I added something p important to the end of the last chapter, so go read the end of that {again} first :))

Though I had quite a lot to do at work the next day, I barely got anything done. My mind kept drifting to Finn, what I'd said to him the day before.

Though work - albeit shitty - was at least  a way for me to get away from home every once in a while, because being in my own house made me feel like shit lately.

I wanted to be angry at Danny and Matt, but in all honesty, I only had myself to blame. I was the one who had hurt Danny and one of my best friends in the process.

And now I had hurt the only person who didn't think I was a complete menace, the only person that would comfort me when Matt was being an ass again, as well.
Sometimes I couldn't even believe myself.

I could only hope that Matt would yell at me when I came home, I'd apologize to Finn a few times and that'd be that.

---

"I don't know, he wasn't here when we got up!" Matt exclaimed, "What the fuck did you do to him?"

"We... Got into an argument."

I was finally home, but now that I was, I wished I'd stayed at work.
My stomach was churning with guilt and regret and worry, because Finn was nowhere to be found.
He would not answer calls or texts and no one knew where he was.

It reminded me a little of what I would sometimes do when I was angry or sad, or whatever it was that was bothering me. I would go out, get hammered and regret it the next day.

Finn was a little more responsible than I was, though - so I hoped that he wasn't out drinking. Maybe he was at a friend's house, a friend I didn't know.

"An argument?" the ginger repeated, snapping me out of my thoughts, "What you're saying is you were a huge dick again? Are you fucking stupid? And now he's out there, possibly by himself! What if something happens to him, huh?"

I just shook my head and swallowed the lump forming in my throat, because fuck - if anything happened to Finn I would never be able to forgive myself.

I could barely imagine a life without him. There was no prospect that was more terrifying to me than losing Finn. He'd always been there - always.

The horrible feeling in my stomach worsened as the minutes crept by. Time seemed to pass at an agonizingly slow pace, as if specifically to mock me.

I felt terrible, knowing that Finn was out God-knows-where now, all because of me. I winced as I replayed all the things I'd said to him in my head, the way I'd acted towards him when all he had been trying to do was comfort me.

That was just it though. I knew I was a horrible person. My actions the day before and further in the past proved that. I'd treated my best friend like shit, hurt people because of things they couldn't change. And still, Finn had told me that I wasn't a monster, that he thought I was okay.
It shouldn't have, but it bothered me. It bothered me how nice and affectionate he was despite everything. It bothered me that he was justifying my actions.

Shouldn't I be the one doing that for myself?

I certainly wasn't justified in anything I'd done to Finn, though - I knew that. I was paying the price now, tugging at my hair anxiously.

Matt and Danny went off to bed in the guest room that they'd been calling theirs at around one in the morning.

Not even a minute passed until I found myself wishing they hadn't left me alone. Being alone meant more thinking about how much of a dick I was, and more nervous tapping and staring at the front door.