Temporary Bliss [boyxboy]

40: Realization Pt. Two

[note: still Caleb, and sorry for the in-chapter POV change - again. Can't seem to help it if I wanna keep my chapters at this length. Hope it's not too confusing.]

When I opened the door and stepped inside, the anxious lump in my throat was making it hard to breathe.
I didn't know what the atmosphere was going to be like, how Matt and Danny - who would surely be home by now - would react to me, because there was no way Finn hadn't told them about what had happened.

As soon as I reached the lounge I saw Finn, who immediately halted his movement when I entered like a deer caught in headlights.
Matt and Danny were stood behind him, unmoving as well.

And then I saw the duffel bag clutched in his hands and his puffy eyes and quivering bottom lip.

My chest tightened painfully, "W- what are you doing?"
The question proved to be completely unnecessary though, because it was blatantly obvious what Finn was doing.

"You're leaving," I said. Not for one moment was it a question, it was a statement - and the lack of response from the three men didn't do anything to convince me otherwise.

"Why?" I asked quietly, and noticed my eyes welling up with tears. I blinked them away furiously and stared at the blonde boy in front of me, who was looking so lost and betrayed that I could barely take it.

Finn shook his head and sniffed, "I- I can't do this. Not anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't live like this anymore, Caleb. It's making me miserable - and you too... I just can't," Finn explained quietly.

"I'm not miserable!" I agrued quickly, "You don't make me miserable, you make me happy, o-okay? We'll... We'll figure something out, I promise."

"Caleb, no... It's for the better."

"Where are you even going to go?" I asked, my mind racing in trying to come up with ways to make him stay.

"Matt booked me a hotel for the night," the blonde boy said timidly, eyes averted to the floor in shame.

"Okay, I'll- I'll take the hotel," I offered hastily, "You can stay here and- and think and-"

Finn shook his head, "I don't need to think. I've thought enough."

"And after that? You can't stay in the hotel forever."

He shrugged, "I'll... figure something out."

"No," I said defiantly, "you can't. Finn, please."

"Maybe I'll move back home or something," he mumbled.

"Home is here," I said desperately.

Finn squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head once more. A few tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Not anymore. I just can't do it, Caleb. So don't make this harder than it already is," he said and sniffled.

"I know I've been shitty but just give me another chance... please."

Once more he shook his head - more to himself it looked like - brushed past me and opened the front door, but I went after him.

"You can't do this to me," I begged, no longer able to care about controlling my crying.

"You don't get to treat me like shit and then expect me to stay," he said.

I bit my lip so hard I almost drew blood, "I'm sorry. Finn, I'm so sorry. I hate myself for it. I swear, I'm gonna try harder. Just... please don't leave."

Finn ignored me, and stepped outside.

"Please," I choked, and I didn't even realize when a sob ripped from my throat.

"My cab's gonna be here in a second."

With that, he turned around and walked away from the house.
At that point I was full-on sobbing, struggling to get a coherent word out.

Finn leaving was making me absolutely panic, made my chest feel tight and my hands shake.
I was just now realizing that he was my security, and that security was gone - and it was all my fault.

It was a serious slap in the face - and almost immediately made me realize how terrible I'd been, that I had made Finn and myself miserable for months, that I had been a shitty friend and an even worse person.

I resented myself for it, more than I could put into words - because my shitty attitude had driven away the only person I really wanted and needed to keep around.
I couldn't stand to be in my own skin anymore, it was like an irritating itch right under the surface that I just couldn't scratch.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder as I cried, and though I would've usually been embarrassed, in the state I was in, I couldn't concentrate on anything but Finn.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked desperately, looking up at Matt through teary eyes.

"Fight for him," he replied softly, "You're supposed to fight for him."

---

Finn

The hotel room was nice, probably nicer than Matt could actually afford.

It included double bed, a big painting on the wall, a desk and chair, TV and a luxurious en-suite bathroom.

I set down my bag of clothes by the door and kicked off my shoes.
Despite what I'd exepected prior to leaving Caleb's house, I was surprisingly relaxed.

Maybe there were no tears left to cry, and no new thoughts to be thought.
Because I'd definitely cried and thought about everything enough.

But as proud as I was of myself for going through with leaving, and as much as I hated Caleb at the moment, I couldn't stop thinking about the way he'd cried - I'd made him cry!
Caleb didn't cry, not because of anything - but somehow me leaving had really hit him hard.

I didn't understand, though! He would always treat me like shit, lead me on for weeks, lie to me, disappoint me, yell at me, ignore me... And as soon as I showed some kind of resistance it was like a switch inside of his brain flicked and he was caring and sweet and apologetic.

That constant hot and cold was what had driven me away, though. I couldn't deal with the uncertainty of never knowing what mood Caleb would be in, how he'd react to any given situation.
And last but not least, I couldn't stand being so in love with him when he so obviously didn't love me.

Because it hurt. It hurt a lot, and I didn't know what to do with all of my disappointment and hurt anymore.
I didn't know if I should smile because Caleb was my friend, or cry because that's all he would ever be.

I just didn't know.

And now?
Somehow I'd expected to feel free, to feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder after leaving.
I'd been completely wrong, though.
I felt like the weight had tripled, and sitting on the ridiculously comfortable hotel bed, I just felt empty.

And while I wished I didn't know where that feeling was coming from, I couldn't lie to myself any longer.
I missed Caleb, I wanted him with me at all times, and despite everything, I felt terrible knowing how miserable I'd made him by leaving.

I was facing a huge dilemma, was what I came to realize then.
It was either go back to Caleb and show him that I didn't have a backbone after all, be miserable with him...
Or move back home to where my mother was already overworking herself for to give everything she had to my brother, and be miserable without him.

There was just no winning, and it frustrated me to the point that I began crying again.
The tears just wouldn't stop spilling from my eyes, stinging slightly as they rolled down my cheeks.

I felt so helpless and alone, but I knew I had to stand my ground. Just for once I had to be an adult, stay true to my word no matter how hard it might be.
I couldn't give in to Caleb's charms again, couldn't give in to my stupid heart.

My stupid freaking heart, that cared a little to much, a little too quickly for people that probably didn't even deserve it.

And even though I didn't want to, I eventually drifted into a very uneasy sleep, exhausted and fully clothed, on an unusually empty bed.