Temporary Bliss [boyxboy]

54: A Rock and A Hard Place

Caleb

"You're such a fucking asshole, Caleb!"

Those were the first words to greet me when I told Matt what I'd just done.

Granted, it was true, but I just really, really didn't need to hear this right now.
Not when the room was spinning and I couldn't distinguish one thought from the next.

My stomach was churning painfully, two parts of my mind fleeing off in different directions and driving me insane.

I was so, so incredibly fucked.

"Why the fuck would you even consider that, Caleb?! How the fuck can you seriously think about kicking him out? Are you insane?!"

Matt was furious, absolutely livid as he leant down into my personal space, snarling and shouting for all he was worth.

It was so unlike me, but I took it all silently, tears gathering in my eyes just as quickly as I blinked them back.

I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to cry, but it was a hard task, even harder every time I thought about Finn, every time Matt spat another harsh truth at me.

I felt disgraceful for what I was considering, absolutely disgraceful.

"You're disgusting," the older man continued to rant, backing up my own self-hatred as he continued on his tirade, "Do you even care where Finn is right now?! Do you care that it's dark and he stormed out of here crying? Why the fuck didn't you go after him and-"

"I don't know!" I cut in, and I tried to shout but my voice was weak and scratchy from crying, the sentence coming out pathetic. "I-I don't know."

I turned my head to the side so that I wouldn't have to look at Matt while the first tear spilled down my cheek, hot and stinging as more followed.

I deserved all that the older man was hurling at me right now, but that truth didn't stop it from hurting, didn't stop me from wanting to curl up in a ball and just hide away from everything that I'd done.

Yeah, I deserved it but fuck, I needed someone to just try to see it from my point of view. I was on the verge of losing everything that made me who I was- my company, my house... my parents.

All those things that I had to my name I was about to lose - for Finn. And I just didn't know, just didn't believe with everything I had that it was worth it, that the younger boy was enough for me to sacrifice everything else, and I knew I was a horrible, horrible person for thinking any of those things but I just couldn't stop.

I tried to look at the facts, but it didn't help. The main fact was that yes, I was in love with Finn, really in love with him so much so that it was absolutely tearing me apart inside that I might have to let him go.

I adored Finn, absolutely adored him and it made me shudder to think of all the times when I'd hurt the other boy - hurt him and made him cry. I felt sick with myself when I thought about those times, when I'd made Finn feel terrible, like he was a bad person, like he was worth so much less than he really was.

Fuck, did I love him, every single thing about him and each time I reminded himself of that fact it just caused more tears, just made my stomach clench in anguish because I'd just never felt so helpless and confused in my life.

I thought about the prospect of Finn leaving, couch-surfing again, having to think about every dollar he spent twice, and it made me cry harder, filled up with dread and anger inside when I thought of all the things that could happen to someone who didn't have a safe roof over their head.