Double Life

Secrets Are Lies

Grey's P.O.V.

"I fell and hit my head on a fucking coffee table stop panicking!"

I yell, reaching my limit for patience. I throw off the sweaty comforter and blankets, ignoring the glaring pain in my head whenever I move. Xuimin follows me to the bathroom where I take off the bloody ice pack, cursing at the cut on my head that won't stop bleeding. It's small, small enough it shouldn't stay more than a few days but the loss of blood is making me dizzy as I grab the counter top. I notice Xuimin's closed the door behind us, arms folded in front of him as we have a stare down in the mirror.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Other than the fact that you've cornered someone who's claustrophobic in a bathroom while wounded, I'm completely fine, Xuimin."

"No you're not Grey we all know you're not! Baekhyun says you were shaking when you got back from the press, you look pale, your fever still hasn't broken and-"

"I was shaking from nerves, I fell from dehydration, and I have a fever because I'm sick. The flu is going around in America I must've picked it up-"

"No, no you never have nerves, and when you do you always faint you don't shiver, AND I saw you drink a full three bottles of water so it wasn't dehydration!"

"but I'm sick, the flu is wicked strong in America."

I say again, sticking to the lie. I promised myself not to say anything, I'm not going to break just because I'm showing symptoms. He steps forward, I watch him cautiously through the dirty looking glass.

"Tell me."

"No."

His arms wrap around my waist and my fever makes me want to shove him away, still dizzy.

"Tell me."

He mutters, head barely grazing my shoulder. I wish I could tell someone, be weak and cry in someone's arms about something no one can change. The blood from my head drips down my hand, the cloth soaked through and ice pack melted. I watch the red liquid run down to my wrist, falling like a glittering ruby and shattering on the white countertop. Tightness forms in my chest as I look at myself, half my hair matted with blood and the color drained from my face, eyes dim, vision blurry. I'm looking at a ghost of myself.

"I'm dying."

I whisper as quietly as I can, admitting my failure to the air. If only I'd trained harder or fought more, if I'd spent more time at that buddhist camp maybe I could have meditated the illness away, maybe I could have stopped myself from unraveling. Xuimin stiffens and I curse, he heard. Damn it he heard what I said why was I weak damn it damn it damn it-

"I know, we all know."

"How the fuck do you know!"

I shout, shoving him away. I open the door to everyone crowded around, privacy a non existent term in a group of boys. Suddenly I feel better, the anger fueling me to ignore the pain.

"Your America friend called us, she said to expect the worse before hanging up. And, and you cough up blood a lot, that's not normal."

"You stopped going to the gym, something that isn't like you but you said you were tired, and when you did go you'd spend most of the time sitting."

"God we're just worried Grey can you stop with your ego and just appreciate that we care about you damn it!?"

Suho says grabbing my arm when I go to leave and I yank it out of his grasp with as much force as I can muster. The brief display of strength weakens me and I stumble backwards, my back hitting the wall and jarring a few self pitying tears out of eyes.

"I'm dying! You wanted to hear it so bad then go ahead! I'm dying! My body is going to eat and shred itself apart until there's nothing left, my mind is going to turn on me until I barely know myself, and no matter how hard I fight I can't FUCKING WIN!"

I shout, my voice cracking as I sink to my knees and cover my face with my palms, the scent of my own blood stifling and fighter's spirit wounded. I feel arms encircling me and kick them away, my foot connecting with someone's torso as I gasp for air through the cloying trap of hyperventilating. I'm surprised, shocked, when my hands are pulled from my face and lips are pressed against mine sucking the air out of me and forcing a steady breath back in. It's odd but effective, pulling me out of what would have ended with me fainting, waking up, and panicking again. Forcing my eyes to stay shut is hard but I'm rewarded with the anonymity of my savior, another breath being forced albeit gently into my lungs. I finally reclaim the ability to breath on my own, eyes still firmly shut against the harsh reality of shame that I wasn't good enough, again.

"It's not your fault-"

"It damn is!"

I say, the back of my hand wiping grimy tears that flow down my cheeks in a relentless torrent. It damn well is my fault, if I don't take blame who can I put the blame on? It has to be someone's fault I'm being torn apart at the seams, it has to be something I've done.

"It's not your fault Grey you know that! It's not someone's fault when they get cancer or hit by a car or-"

"Then who's fault is it Kai! It needs to be someone's fault! If it's not my fault then I can't fix it!"

I stumble when trying to stand, fear washing over me yet again.

"Clear the room"

Chanyeol says over top of everyone's fake positive enthuse and worried comments and attempts at actually doing something. His tone lacks the fun it usually has, something like anger hiding beneath the words. Everyone falls silent and hesitantly heads to leave.

"Actually clear the dorm guys."

"But-"

"No, I said clear the dorm."

I swallow, giving Baekhyun a pleading look when he glances back at me, van keys in his hand. He only gives me a heartbreaking smile that's barely there before shoving a pair of shoes on and leaving, leaving me alone. Once the noise of everyone clattering down the stairs fades out Chanyeol kneels down, sitting across from me as I warily watch him and wait. A few tears still run down my face as I take shallow shaking breaths and flinch whenever he moves, wanting to fight but unable to get my feet underneath me.

"You aren't going to die."

Dedication goes out to @kpop_trash_life for screaming Mic Drop lyrics (I was proud) 🎤

Fucking finally the lil shit updated!!! God I know you guys don't care about this any longer it's got more chapters than my life. And yes, cliff hanger, cause life guys, life. Feel free to rag on my ass in the comments if you were waiting for this late ass installment, and if not, well, go find something better to do than read shitty fanfiction! I command you to go get a doctorate in something! Go!

~Ren