Double Life

Half In Love

"Stop drawing dicks on the whiteboard! Why do we even have this old piece of shit I told everyone to start using those fancy little phones to sync up our calendars."

"You can't draw dicks on Google."

Yoongi says, grabbing my hand and smearing it in the ink. I yank it away in disgust, turning away from the inky mess and opening the Mac. Touring to America in three days, five interviews, two photo shoots, Jin wants to see his family. We need a new dance, Hobi and I, the new intern I hired. One of the three, I have staff. Shocking, I finally have a support system.

"Call Kang"

I say, grabbing an E cigarette off the charger. Alexa makes the call, leaving me to pick a pimple on my forehead and chuck some clothing into a laundry bag. Everyone else is rushing to get ready, even before the make up crew these boys still rush around like they're famous or something. Pink smoke fills the space in front of me, giving me back half of an old habit without the nicotine.

"Yes Grey?"

"Organize this place, it's not part of your job but neither is it part of mine, okay? Do it now."

The young intern hurries to respond, updating me on press and the common word about us, stats and numbers I take as glowing. I myself now sell my lyrics, almost to the point of indifference. Billie Eilish, Dua Lipa, Taylor Swift and many more sing my songs and the words of my heart are on every radio station. Every album has my name in the fine print, my name on a check for America dollars.

"Alright alright let's go who's ready!"

I shout at the boys, Jungkook giving me a brief affectionate glance before grabbing his headphones and heading out. I clap and shout, hurrying everyone out to the van. They pile in with a practiced efficiency, a man silently sitting in the drivers seat ready to bring them to a shoot before the airport.

"I'm taking my bike, meeting you guys at the photo shoot to coordinate with Elle Magazine, then we have an interview before flying to Japan for a press push and split concert."

"You debut in Japan."

"No, I debut in America. Next week."

I ruffle Taehyung's hair and he pushes me off, absorbed in whatever is on his phone. I forget how he's grown up, something about him now locked tight from any judging eyes. Who knows, maybe it's doing him well being guarded. It saved me when I was his age.

"You're alright?"

"Of course"

Alright is a flexible term, something meant to change until it suits people's expectations. I remember a quick smile before some last reminders, no time to romantically watch the van drive away. There isn't much time for anything now, the constant flow of fame overtaking all of us with each breath. You rest back stage before interviews, you sleep on the plan, you never get time to eat. I'm back inside, taking a bundle of medication, grabbing my leather jacket and getting the hell out. Modern pills and old blends have done nothing for me, a slow creeping ache clawing it's way back into my lungs. My phone and a wallet I barely need fit into the seat of my bike, I jam the helmet on and peel out of the alley. I won't be able to ride alone much longer, my debut already pushed back a month in all the flurry of promoting for Burn The Stage. Already I spend half my time running from people, cameras, contracts. No sense in hiding any more, cameras following us back stage, out the back door, to any back room we find. I'd been half leaked with S.M., now my face is half famous, partly hidden in the shadows for a few more days.

"Baekhyun calling."

The headset startles me when it crackles to life, making me work while on the commute. I've avoided the guys, pulling out of my contract with S.M. Only weeks before now. It pings again, a robotic voice in my ear.

"Call from Seo Tai Gi Manager"

The collab, my boys are being given rights to the song that first broke the industry. From a mix of Korean anthems supporting the country came a song that captured the younger generation, creating the whirlwind that's become my industry. I hang up on Baekhyun and clear my throat, quick to answer the manager. Even today, a woman can't keep a man waiting even for a second.

"Behind The Scenes Manager Grey speaking"

I repeat the same phrase in Korean, stifling a cough. The deal is locked down in five minutes, most of the leg work now passed on to a team of people who organize it all. Even now with a fleet of helpers following our every money move; there isn't time to do anything more than get into minor childish fights and grab coffees in the airport.

I call Baekhyun back, the headset in my bike helmet. Time to buy a new one, if I even get to ride solo after this. Might as well burn the bike for a good video shot, a few photos, a million likes.

"Grey-ah? Are you there?"

His voice is still soft, something about it stirring up feelings. I imagine him, maybe on his own as they wait for a comeback, maybe with all the others pretending I'm not on speaker phone. It hurts to feel so left out by people I thought were family, but again, you have to go where the money is. I needed to go home, even though it was a step backwards. It might be the last big move I make, and I'll die something like happy. Can I hang up? Pull a cold, heartless move to save myself from feeling the pain? Aish. Too much guilt, I'm still too attached. I think I always will be.

"About to be half way around the world, debut ready, but what do you need. I'm here for you."

His voice is with me all the way to location, calls from my work number being rerouted to a message machine I pay someone else to check. With a breathy goodbye I hang up and cough into my palm, wiping my hand on dark wash jeans jeans and heading into the high rise building. It seems like I have Double Vision with this job, my heart half on the money and half hung up on the boy I still love.

The next chapter is for a very grateful authors note, this is most likely the end of our story.

~Ren