Double Life

You Can't Die, Tour Starts Friday

"You can't die tour starts Friday."

I snarl, finally getting enough energy to stand and silently freaking out that it's progressing this fast, usually I'd get a few months, even a year, at least that's how it was with the others.

"And there's medication, we can get you into a trial we can start with that then-"

"What do you think this is? Cancer? Some disease that could be cured with therapy and jewel juice?"

Jewel juice, Seek said if you drank enough you wouldn't die as quickly, I wonder if it applies to an alcoholic or if I should be taking a drug addicts' advice in the first place. I wonder how much publicity we can get from this. I wonder how soon I should fake my death for the second time.

"I'm being optimistic."

"Well I'm being realistic, Chanyeol."

I say, eye level with him as I watch a little bit of his forced enthuse break, a crack in the fake joy. He reminds me of Hoseok, the boy I told to fake a smile without paying attention to the lines on his wrist. God why was I so foolish, why did things fall apart.

"If things keep going like this I'm leaving tomorrow, there's no sense in wasting time here."

"Where are you going to go where the fuck is more important than here, with us!"

"You aren't my family!"

"I didn't think you had one other than us!"

I roll my eyes, pretending I'm above fighting when in reality I'm so close to fainting I'd rather just breathe. I lean against the wall, trying to keep my eyes full of anger instead of pain.

"I'm sorry."

He says, previous bravado completely deflated. Clear the room my ass, I can hear the rest of the guys sitting on the steps outside.

"If you've fed your ego enough you might as well let everyone back in, I can hear them breathing."

He sheepishly head to the door and mutters an apology, everyone streaming back in. At least for half a second I got to believe someone had a cure, but magic doesn't exist, at least not for me.

"I don't-"

I start, taking a deep breath in before I speak in all honestly.

"I don't-"

Kai interrupts, hand on my shoulder enough to make me almost fall over.

"You don't want to die we all get it and we're going to figure this out and get you the best doctor and the best cure and-"

"I don't want to spend any time looking for a cure, I don't want you asking how I'm feel I don't want anyone asking that. I don't want to be asked if I'm going to faint on stage or if I can handle my lines."

"You, Grey you aren't going to be able to tour like this-"

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do you aren't the one who's witnessed this happen to everyone they know. I either die now or I get months to live, months guys! That's enough time to forget this even happened."

"How do you know if you'll..."

Xuimin says, and I force back another coughing fit.

"If, we don't know, just some are lucky..."

It's silent, my own breathing the loudest as I swallow the bile rising in my throat along with the tears threatening to escape.

"I want to spend whatever time I have forgetting, I'll feel the pain when I'm on my own, when it's night time, when I look at all the things I won't be able to do. But I can't feel like that all the time, you can't do that to me."

Baekhyun aggressively stands, slamming the door to his room before Chen does the same thing. Boys, they don't deal with things like girls do. I wish I could storm away from this too.

"What do you want Grey?"

Suho asks, the only one who seems level headed still.

"I want to make peace with my boys, the boys."

I think about how much still need to happen before me and Bangtan can cross the bridge that's still up in flames, not even burnt to the ground yet.

"I want to tour, I want us to hit the billboard charts."

That old desire to be the best, it never dies, fight clubs or music battles I need to be the best. I crave it like cocaine.

"I want my old lyrics back, BTS needs to give me back the rights to my songs."

"They're just songs Grey, could it be something deeper than that?"

I force another breath, ignoring how cold I am. Just one more sentence...

"It's deeper sure, but let's start there."

Before I feel dry heaving and run to the bathroom, barely reaching the sink.

Chapter dedication to King_Mochi

I updated, I've forgotten how to write authors notes in my two month absence, but know that I'm still here, semi current, and always late.

~Ren