Double Life

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     I remember saying that when I couldn't pay my rent and my car got towed, my boyfriend at the time was screwing another girl on my couch, and I hadn't eaten in a week, I said it felt like getting hit with a ton of bricks. 

     It was more than being screwed.  It felt like the world had thrown its weight at me and was laughing as I fell down to my personal rock bottom, knees scraping the pavement as I tried to get back up.   Now as I open my eyes, I recalibrate what being hit with a ton of bricks feels like.  It's worse than a hangover, worse than getting run over by a motor bike or getting your stomach pumped.  It's more like hell on earth as I feel another round of coughing rattle my chest, black blood staining my hand.  I wipe it off on my shirt, stumbling to the adjoined bathroom and, well, I'll spare you the details. 

"Kai."

I whisper, and in that one word I relinquish my ability to always be my own hero, admitting I need help walking to the couch because even standing against the wall is draining me.  He watches me, silently leaving my pride untarnished.   It's that respect he shows, pretending I don't desperately need his help, that breaks my sky high walls. 

"Help-"

He almost falls rushing to get off the couch, at my side so fast I feel dizzy.  It's early enough most still call it night time, the television playing commercials as I sit down, shame filling my heart at how much effort that took.  I'm not even thirty yet and my joints feel like they're being torn apart.  His nervousness at my presence doesn't help either, and I regret even coming out here.  I would have tried to leave if he hadn't been watching me, but the stairs probably would've been far too big of a challenge.

"Can I get you a water?"

"Will it miraculously cure me?"

"Probably not."

I scoff, rolling my eyes.  I probably couldn't keep it down, but I know he'd be even more worried if I said that.

"Kai I was expecting more, first class service at the least.  Why isn't the very water you touch blessed with miraculous healing powers?"

I give him a wink, pulling my feet up onto the cushion as he sits down beside me.  I wonder if I'll be able to dance again, I wonder if we'd ever dance again if we got the chance.  Now that I'm sitting I feel the slightest spark of energy creep back into me.  We sit in silence, a little awkward, and a little familiar at the same time.

"Kai."

I start, half focused on the fusion juicer commercial that's playing for the hundredth time.  

"...does my breath smell?"

He looks at me with the most confused expression before warily leaning over, I'm quick to stick my tongue out and breathe in his face.

"Gross!  Grey yes it does!"

He says, roughly wiping his face with his sleeve while using his foot to gingerly shove me away.  I snicker, giving his a charming smile as he grimaces, disgusted to say the least. 

"I'm a charmer, I know, do you...want my number?"

I say, trying to twirl my messy short hair around a finger.  He laughs just a little, taking his gum out of his mouth and offering it to me while staying out of my breathing range.