The Keys to my Diary ~ Fern

Tuesday, June 2

I'm not even sure how to describe my mother's visit. I guess the best word that would sum it up is 'crazy.' There is never a dull moment when that woman is around, that's for sure.

Things did not start out well at all. I went downstairs to greet her when she pulled up in her red, convertible rental car. She ooh'd and aah'd appropriately over the water view of the canal, the dock, the wraparound porch, but the second we walked into my apartment, she started fanning herself and saying that she might need to spend the night at a hotel to cool off. I know my place is overly warm in the evenings, but it's not that bad.

Things went downhill quickly when I gave her the grand tour of my one-room studio. I flicked the light switch on in my closet and a roach scurried out from under one of my shoes. I know that Floridians devise fancy names to make them seem not-as-gross, like Palmetto bugs or Florida bugs, but this creature was big and nasty, and it totally deserved the moniker 'roach.' Yuck, yuck, yuck!

While I was thoroughly creeped out by it, my mother was on the verge of a panic attack. She stood on my couch screeching that my apartment was infested with filthy bugs. She made such a fuss that Karen and Maddie knocked on the door to see what was wrong. I made the appropriate introductions while my mother continued to stand on the couch as if the bug was going to come out and eat her alive.

Karen apologized profusely and said that she would send her husband, Tuck, over right away with bug spray and some roach motels. She gently reminded me to make sure that I didn't have any open food containers as Maddie searched the area indicating that she wasn't scared of a silly, little bug. She bravely told me in a serious tone that she would 'stomple' on it for me. Her mom informed Maddie that no stompling would be necessary before shuffling the child out the door.

Mom went to sit outside after they left, indicating that she wasn't comfortable staying in an 'infested apartment.' I took some deep breaths in an attempt to calm down and finished getting ready for dinner. I wasn't crazy about introducing my mother to the gang, but it was much better than spending the whole evening alone with her.

Surprisingly, my mother behaved herself at dinner, and she seemed totally enchanted with my entire makeshift family. She laughed, told stories, and fit in shockingly well. By the end of dinner, she had honed in on Jared, and I started to understand why she was being so agreeable. She was trying to find me a man. In her world, a woman wasn't complete unless she had a handsome man at her side. When she asked Jared if he was single, she elbow-bumped me and angled her head in an over-obvious 'check him out' gesture. I wanted to kick her under the table. Jared and I had managed to move on after our fiasco of a sexual encounter. I certainly didn't need my mother coming along and making things awkward between us. I tried glaring at her and shaking my head, but she wasn't taking the hint.

I tried to politely bow out when it was decided that the group would go back to Lenny and Barb's house for dessert. Lenny and Barb Reed work at the Club and join us about once a month for a meal. They are friendly, older hippies who hide in the Keys and grow a marijuana garden on their sun porch. I knew that they would probably be serving pot brownies for dessert, and I didn't really want to partake in anything like that with my mother.

She, however, had other plans, and was insistent that we join them. I'm not sure if she wanted to do more matchmaking between Jared and I, or if she was concerned about going back to my 'roach-filled apartment,' but she was adamant that we go. She can be incredibly stubborn when she wants to. I must come by my obstinate streak naturally.

I declined a brownie, choosing not to get high with my mother. She, however, was not as respectful. When the plate came around, I warned her that they were laced with pot, and she took two! At least they were small, and the Reeds don't usually make them very potent.

As the evening wore on, she and Captain Petey started overtly flirting with each other. I wondered if this meant that she had cut another husband loose, but decided not to address it with her. I shook my head as I watched them slow dancing to Jimmy Buffett on the party deck the Reeds have that overlooks a canal. I considered warning her that Petey's balls sag all the way down to his knees, but decided against it. If she chose to have a fling with him on her overnight visit that was supposed to be with me, then she deserved to have to see his extra-long nuts. There probably wasn't much that would surprise her at this point anyway. Of the two of us, I live the much more sheltered life.

When the gang decided to go skinny-dipping in the canal, I put my foot down. I did not want to see my mother and Petey naked in the water together, and I didn't want her to be here having a better time with my friends than I do. It was like my two worlds were colliding, and they were both more fun without me in them. I knew the skinny-dipping was harmless. In fact, the ladies always keep on their bras and panties, so it's not technically skinny-dipping. The one exception is Trixie. She normally finds some reason to remove her bra, but nothing inappropriate has ever happened on any of our 'naked' canal dives. The guys go full-monty, so we always tease them that a critter with pinchers or teeth might snip off something important.

Mother was clearly disappointed at not getting to join in the fun, but to her credit, she left without a lot of fuss. I just reread that sentence, and it sounds like I'm referring to a three-year-old, not my parent! Anyway, we came back to my place, and she didn't even mention the roach again. She did, however, try to convince me that I should date Jared.

When I said that we had tried, but it didn't work out, she was relentless in wanting to know why. I said that we just weren't good together and that it just wasn't right, but she wouldn't let up. I'm not proud of what I said next, but she was absolutely stuck on the idea of Jared and I being a couple. I finally asked her if she noticed that Jared had left when we did, without jumping in the water with the others. When she nodded in acknowledgment, I said that he always did that, hoping that she'd get the hint without me having to spell it out for her. She didn't understand what I was implying, so I told her that he has to leave before the naked swimming starts because his tiny penis might actually invert if it was subjected to cold water. Her eyes got huge as if she still didn't quite get what I was saying, so I pointed down at my foot and wiggled my big toe.

When realization struck, she nodded with a horrified look on her face. Then she put her arm around me and said, "Well, we can't have that, can we?" Then we both burst into hysterics. Who would have thought that I would bond with my mother over the unfortunate size of a really great guy's tiny dong?

It seems that I have unwittingly stumbled upon the one reason my mom views as legitimate and forgivable for turning away a hot man. We spent the rest of the night snuggling, laughing, and dozing in my bed. It was one of the most enjoyable stretches of time that I have ever experienced with her, and I was almost sorry to see her go in the morning. Almost.

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