The Keys to my Diary ~ Fern

Tuesday, March 16

Today is my birthday-eve. Yay. I can't even drum up enough excitement to write an exclamation point.

Thankfully, it's my scheduled day off from work. I'm a mess and don't know if I could pull it together enough to function productively at the office. Of course, that's assuming that I still have a job, after my irresponsible stunt of leaving with no explanation yesterday.

I finally cried myself to sleep last night and woke up with puffy eyes and a sour attitude. I'm angry with myself for being disappointed that Mac didn't drive down and knock on my door. I had expected him to fight more for me, for us.

I also just peeked out my door, and for the first time since our first date at The Chef's Table (with the exception of our getaways), I don't have any iced tea waiting for me. I want to crawl back into bed and not come out for a very long time.

He had left three voicemail messages on my phone. The first one said that he was surprised that I was so upset that he wasn't a billionaire, and that he didn't think I cared that much about money. I slammed down the phone after listening to that, unable to listen to the rest. Did he really think this was about the money?? I don't give a darn about the money. In fact, I'm relieved that he doesn't have that kind of bank.

I'm angry because he LIED to me from day one. Okay, in all honesty, he never actually told a lie; but he knew that I believed something that was untrue and let me believe it. Isn't that the same as lying?

I called Marina to explain what happened and she drove over while we were still on the phone. Considering how skeptical she had been of Mac all along, I expected her to be on my side. She surprised me by saying that maybe I should go easy on him. I think her repeated forgiveness of Frank has made her soft. Or the Florida sun has fried her brain.

She talked me into at least listening to his two other messages, so I put it on speaker, hoping he would say something to make her see that I was in the right.

His second message was a sweet, heartfelt apology. He said that he knew that failing to tell me the truth for all those months was wrong, but that he had been terrified of losing me. He said he was sorry and begged me for another chance.

Marina raised her eyebrows at me, clearly indicating that she thought he deserved another shot. Just then, Mac's voice rang out as the third message played. He said simply, "Fern, I love you with all of my heart."

The tears that had been welling in my eyes overflowed at those wonderful words. Marina had tears shimmering in her eyes as she rubbed her hand lightly across my back.

"He let me believe a lie for months," I said defensively. At her nod, I continued, "And he's been cruising all over the place with that woman." I spat the last two words out.

"I know, but you need to decide if you want to be right and alone, or forgiving and happy." She let her words hang in the air for a while before patting my back and saying that she would support whatever decision I made. Then she left, saying she'd give me some time alone to think things through.

Now, here I am, alone and thinking. Normally, on my birthday-eve, I read back through my journal and reflect on all that has happened in the past year. This year, I don't even have to read it to remember.

It has been one wild, crazy, awesome year. Just to name a few things (in no particular order) off the top of my head, I have encountered colorful cursing parrots, elongated sagging testicles, suicidal skittering crabs, disgusting boyfriends of roommates, a frighteningly miniscule penis, a giant roach from my shoe, Jimmy Buffett's clone or Jimmy Buffett himself, a swinging couple who wanted to have a foursome (not the golfing kind), nudie pictures of men and the oft-heard-about, but never before seen TKYC black card. I had a near-death diving experience, went swimming with dolphins, got a cushy office job, developed a love-hate relationship with the book The Secret, found a fabulous canal-side apartment, ate shrimp that I had just caught, went to a sunset party, had some awful sex, had the best sex of my life (over and over and over), stayed in a hut on the ocean, got a long-lost couple back together again, and met the man of my dreams.

Or, rather, I THOUGHT I met the man of my dreams. It turns out he's a liar. Well, not exactly a liar, but he doesn't always tell the whole truth, that's for sure. I have every right to be angry, so I am.

In any case, it's been one of my best years yet. I'm excited to see what next year will bring. Maybe I'll meet another man who knocks my socks off. Wait—scratch that. I don't want to meet another man.

Who needs a man anyway? Just because Mac made my life fantastic doesn't mean that it won't be great without him. I was doing okay before he came along, and I will be just fine without him.

I'm stubbornly reading and rereading the paragraph above trying to convince myself that it's true, but realizing that I don't want to live without a man in my life. I don't want to be 'just fine.' I want to feel alive and fantastic. I want to feel how I feel when I'm with Mac.

I can start my new journal tomorrow feeling bitter and clutching to my anger at Mac. I am in the right, after all. He should not have done what he did. I keep thinking about how different next year's diary would be if I forgave Mac, though. Instead of being average and boring, it will be filled with excitement, promise, hope, and love.

Do I want next year's journal (and therefore my life) to be just fine, or off-the-charts fabulous? I know the answer to that question, and I know how to make it happen. I'm going to Miami to get my man! Wish me luck...

Not ready to leave the Florida Keys just yet? Check out Marina's story in The Keys to my Diary ~ Marina: https://books2read.com/u/3LrrMJ