My new tablet has started to bring me out of my funk (somewhat). Mac and I are able to see each other, chat, laugh, and make love from a distance whenever we want to. It's not nearly as fantastic as actually being together, but it helps.
Okay, it helps to some degree. It seems that I've fallen into a routine of being competent and efficient at work, quiet but available with my friends, sexy and funny for Mac, and lonely and depressed when I'm by myself.
I have learned how to pretend to be fine in all of my interactions. When I video chat with Mac, I am even able to turn up the charm, like I am the most fun, bubbly person around. As soon as the camera switches off, I put on my sweatpants and sink back into my hole of depression until it is time to turn my personality back on.
I wonder if this is normal. It doesn't feel right at all, but I can't seem to snap out of it. I hate it that I am apparently dependent on a man for my happiness, but I am certain that things will be better when Mac returns.
I don't even enjoy journaling any more, and this has been a lifelong passion. I sit down most evenings with my diary and pen in my lap, but can't think of anything worthwhile to write. So, I end up closing the book and going to bed.
I would seek the solace of reading The Secret, but I can't stand the insinuation that I brought these months of separation on myself through negative thinking. I refuse to blame myself for this, or I really will get depressed.
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The Keys to my Diary ~ Fern
RomanceHi, there! Would YOU like to take a peek in my diary? Wait, we haven't been introduced. My name is Fern, and by some wonderful stroke of good luck, I live in the beautiful, tropical Florida Keys. My life is wacky, often wild, and always entertaining...
