Existential Indifference (Joshler)

23. Butterflies

Start the song. It's Crack Baby by Mitski.
***Trigger warnings for a panic attack, mentions of past abuse, drug cravings, and withdrawals.***

The best thing about sleeping in the same bed as Tyler was that even if Josh couldn't sleep, he could still watch Tyler's eyelashes flutter against his cheeks and feel butterflies in his stomach whenever Tyler's arms tightened around his waist. Josh knew he'd been grumpy all night, and he felt bad, but he was also in love with how Tyler had taken it in stride. He'd understood, just like he always did.

Josh ran his fingers through Tyler's hair, smiling when he saw the corners of Tyler's lips twitch up in his sleep at the action. Even though Josh felt like complete shit, he felt like he had some measure of worth whenever he saw Tyler smile.

Those butterflies were swarming Josh now, making it almost difficult to breath as their tender wings pounded against his lungs mercilessly. He felt them in the pains shooting throughout his bones and searing through his nervous system. He felt them with every twitch of his limbs or reminder that the part of his brain that used to produce serotonin and dopamine was out of commission. Every inch of him ached, screaming for the nip of a needle or the burn of a powdered substance being inhaled like the oxygen he had to fight tooth and nail for as the pounding against his lungs grew more and more brutal.

Even though Josh knew every aspect of his thought pattern was illogical-that the pain was from the withdrawals and not falling in love too soon-a familiar panic gripped Josh's bruised lungs, squeezing out what little oxygen he'd been able to pull in before. He tried to be careful as he detangled himself from Tyler and climbed shakily out of bed. He couldn't breathe. His hands were shaking, and not just from the withdrawals.

He pulled his jeans on shakily before leaving the room and hurrying through the front door. It wasn't until Josh reached the curb outside that he allowed his knees to buckle and the panic attack to hit him full force. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed into them breathlessly.

It wasn't Tyler's job to be understanding. It wasn't his job to miss class and take care of Josh. It wasn't his job to carry Josh around just because he'd fucked up his brain chemistry and couldn't remember what happiness was supposed to feel like. It wasn't his job to brush Josh's teeth for him because he was nearly catatonic.

Josh used to wonder what the hell Debby was doing with him and why she was willing to throw her life away for him, but he knew now that she didn't have a life to throw away in the first place. Tyler had so much though. He was the only person in Oklahoma who had a chance. He was smart and kind and talented and hopeful. He was the only light in this place, and he was wasting it on a useless heroin addict who was only dragging him further away from his dreams.

"Fuck," Josh choked out weakly as he pulled at his hair in frustration.

The sun was just clawing its way up above the horizon, and Josh felt sick. How many more days was Tyler going to put up with this before he realized he deserved better? How many more days was Josh going to have to feel guilty about holding Tyler back before he got the balls to let go?

For a split second, Josh thought about calling Ashley. He thought about asking her for something that would make this pain and fear and guilt go away. Maybe if he fucked up one more time, Tyler would leave for good. Josh couldn't do that though. He had to get clean. He'd promised Tyler. He'd promised Hayley. He'd promised his mom. He'd promised Jordan. He'd promised himself.

Josh was just about to stand up and go call Hayley to come get him when he heard the screen door open. He froze, the shame of having had a complete breakdown settling over him as he watched Brendon come down the steps in his pajamas. The other man didn't react to the tears on Josh's cheeks or his swollen eyes at all as he sat down next to Josh on the curb. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and pulled one out, setting it between his lips and lighting it wordlessly. He took a drag off of it before holding it out to Josh.