Existential Indifference (Joshler)

33. Grace

***Trigger warnings for withdrawals, mentions of vomit, drug cravings, suicidal thoughts, and mentions of past domestic violence.***

Start the song. It's Dead Man's Float by Sage Francis. (I constantly regret not naming the book after this song.)

Josh's first seizure came during his second day of being locked in the bathroom. Withdrawals were starting to hit his already weakened body, and he'd never felt pain or sickness like this before. He'd thrown up more in the past two days than he had throughout the rest of his life.

The girls were using the other bathroom in the trailer, although it was much smaller. Debby had gone to work for both of the days Josh had been slowly detoxing, but Ashley had cancelled all of her tattoo appointments for the week so someone could be there if Josh needed anything. She kept asking through the door if he wanted to use her phone to call his mom or Tyler, but he said no every time. He had to do this alone this time. He couldn't rely on anyone else to get him clean.

That was easier said than done though, especially when he came to with Ashley turning him over onto his side to keep him from choking as his body recovered from the seizure that had prompted Ashley to come into the bathroom. There was no vomit or piss this time around, mostly because his body was completely empty. As soon as he was breathing normally again, Ashley climbed into the tub he'd been lying in for a full day, and shifted him to lie his head on her chest.

Josh was too exhausted and too hollowed out to cry. He just remained tucked against her as he closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the shooting pains coursing throughout his body. He was dripping sweat all over Ashley's skin, but she didn't complain. She just smoothed her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead softly.

"Why're you doing this?" Josh slurred out, weakly holding onto the black sweatershirt she was wearing.

"Doing what?" Ashley asked patiently. "Letting you stink up my bathtub?"

Josh smiled slightly. "My bathtub," he corrected, making Ashley laugh. "Why're you letting me get clean here?" He clarified more seriously.

He felt Ashley's chest rise and fall beneath his cheek as she took a deep breath. "I don't know. I'm the one who got you started on this. Debby may have kept you high, but I'm the one who gave you your first hit. Besides, it's too late for me to get better, and I love you too much to let you wind up like me. At least one of us should have the chance to get better, and you're the one who actually deserves to."

"I don't deserve to," Josh admitted quietly. "I said some really shitty stuff to Tyler yesterday, got high, and cheated on Tyler with two different people last night. Plus I slept with the first one twice. The first time it was for drugs, and the second it was because I was too stupid from the drugs to convince myself not to. I just felt like doing it, so I did. I don't deserve to get sober, dude. I deserve to die like this."

Ashley sighed. "If every addict who did something fucked up or hurt someone wasn't allowed to get better, no one would ever overcome their addictions. I'm not going to tell you what you did was okay or that you don't have to take responsibility for it, but Jesus Christ, Josh. Give yourself a little grace here. You're only human. You made some mistakes. That isn't a free pass to piss your life away just because you feel guilty. If anything, it proves just how badly you need to keep working on getting sober."

"Part of me really hopes that Tyler will find a better boyfriend while I'm here. He needs someone who can treat him better than I do. I really fucking try to show him how much I love him, but I keep fucking up. I've fucked up a million times, and he deals with most of the backlash because I run away from it every time. Why am I like this? Why am I such a terrible fucking human being?" Josh asked, his frustration nipping at the words as he spat them out.