Existential Indifference (Joshler)

32. Control

***Trigger warnings for drug use, mentions of past overdose, vague descriptions of sexual acts, suicidal thoughts, and mentions of past abuse.***

Start the song. It's Nancy from Now On by Father John Misty.

When Josh's mom left the hospital for the night, leaving him all alone, he checked himself out. He'd done this before. It was a habit. He knew that he was in no way healthy enough to leave the hospital, but this was what felt natural. If he didn't have Tyler or his mom or anyone else there to keep him sane, he needed to go somewhere where he could feel some semblance of control over his life.

Control was a strange concept for Josh. He was well aware that he wasn't really in control of himself when he was high, yet having the autonomy to make the choice to get loaded made him feel like he was in control. This time, he was also aware that he had the option to not get high at all, which would undoubtably give him more control. The issue with this option was that he wasn't sure if he could survive right now without something in his system to keep him going.

The main issue with wanting to get high was that he didn't have any money at the moment. He'd gotten drugs in the past when he was broke, but it always meant compromising his boundaries and doing things that disgusted him.

That was the case today as he sat on a stained concrete floor inside of a gross building downtown beside a stranger. He didn't know her at all, but he'd still just eaten her out so she'd give him drugs. She already looked absolutely out of it as she watched him cut the coke into lines with a razor. He snorted two of the lines through a rolled up dollar bill before handing it to her and watching her do the same.

His nose was on fire, but in a comforting way. He smiled as his head thumped back against the brick wall behind him. It would hit him soon, and then he'd feel okay again.

He looked at the girl when she tugged at the hospital bracelet still wrapped around his wrist. "OD?" She asked dazedly.

"A little one," he replied, making her laugh.

"Mmmm. They're all little ones until the last one," she said calmly. She sniffed, wiping at the white dust under her nose. "You look terrible."

Josh sighed. "I feel terrible. I won't in a minute though."

The girl smirked and closed her eyes as she began to sway slightly despite being in a sitting position. "Nope. Gonna feel really good soon."

When the high started, Josh's smile widened as his eyelids dropped shut too. "Fuck," he whispered blissfully.

The girl beside him let out a soft sigh and laid her head on his shoulder as her high hit. "I know, right?" She mumbled. Just when Josh's heart rate was starting to skyrocket, the girl lifted her head and said, "Wanna fuck me?"

There were at least a million reasons for Josh to tell her no. One, they were both too high to consent, but he was too high to think about that. Two, he didn't know her, but he'd already given her oral and gotten high with her. Three, he had a boyfriend, but Tyler was already on the brink of leaving him as it was. Four, he had no idea if she had diseases or anything, and he definitely didn't have a condom, but he was probably going to be dead soon anyway. Five, he was already doing something incredibly stupid, and did he really want to add another thing to that list?

Somehow, all of these reasons were overshadowed by the fact that Josh was too high to concentrate on anything but how badly he wanted to be inside of someone while he felt like this. The girl giggled when he simply shifted his jeans and boxers down and let her climb into his lap. They didn't kiss, and they didn't really even talk. They just fucked each other hard and fast. The drugs made them too rough, but it made them last longer too. By the time they'd both gotten off, there was blood in Josh's lap. He didn't know if it was his or hers, but he couldn't feel any pain, so he didn't care.