Existential Indifference (Joshler)

19. Bumps

Start the song. It's I Bet on Losing Dogs by Mitski.
***Trigger warning for withdrawals.***

Tyler felt guilty for bringing Josh to the library as soon as his withdrawal symptoms started. His muscles had been getting progressively more tense from where he sat beside Tyler, and he kept digging his fingernails into his sleeve-covered arm. Every few minutes, Josh sneezed, and Tyler scooted his chair closer to the older man's every time.

"We can leave if you need to," Tyler told Josh for the millionth time.

Josh waved it off, continuing to flip through Tyler's science textbook. He sniffled slightly, but didn't say a word. Despite how hard Josh was obviously trying to be tough, he seemed to be taking every opportunity he had to touch Tyler or pull reassurance out of him.

"I'm okay," Josh said in a tight voice, one of his hands holding onto Tyler's sleeve. It occurred to Tyler that Josh might not have even been aware that he was doing that.

It was hard to focus on homework whilst worrying about the man next to him, but Tyler did the best he could. When Josh folded his arms on the table and buried his face in them, Tyler played with his hair, rubbed his back, and gently worked the stiffness out of Josh's muscles with his thumbs. Somehow, this subconscious protection of Josh helped Tyler to focus more.

Everything was going pretty well, given the circumstances, until Tyler realized he had to go get another book. He didn't want to leave Josh as he searched the library for Harriet Jacobs's memoir, but he had to.

Soothing his fingers along Josh's spine, he quietly said, "I'll be right back," before leaving and heading over to the non-fiction section.

It took about five minutes of searching before Tyler found the book. As soon as it was in his hand, he was making his way back to Josh. Surprisingly, Josh wasn't alone when Tyler came back. Some oblivious college girl was talking animatedly to him despite how sick and exhausted he looked right now. His eyes dragged to Tyler, looking relieved when he saw him before immediately pleading silently for Tyler to make her stop flirting with him. Tyler could do that. Easy.

"Hey, I found it," Tyler told Josh as he sat back down, much to the dissatisfaction of the unwelcome guest.

If she looked disappointed before, that was nothing compared to the expression of absolute shock and embarrassment on her face when Tyler kissed Josh's lips softly before leaning against Josh's shoulder calmly and starting to read. Their visitor seemed to try as hard as she could not to react. In fact, the girl didn't even say anything. She just got up and left the library. Tyler had never seen someone blush that hard in his life.

A contented smile crossed Josh's lips although he was clearly in a lot of pain. "I love you," he told Tyler through a grin before resting his head atop his folded arms again.

Tyler chuckled, shifting off of Josh and taking one of his hands so he could rub the back of it with his thumb. "I love you too. Let's head home, okay? I can just check this book out and read it there. Then we can lay in my bed instead of sitting in these shitty chairs."

"I don't know if I should go to your house when I'm about to get way sick. Hayley's dealt with this before. She knows how to handle people when they go past the point of dope sick," Josh said quietly, looking down at the tabletop.

As much as Tyler wanted to say, "I know how to handle it too. I helped my brother," he couldn't. He hadn't helped his brother that much. His brother was dead. He couldn't let Josh down. If Hayley was the one who could help him best, that's who Tyler would take him to. Simple. He could pout about sleeping in an empty bed and worrying too much about Josh later.