Existential Indifference (Joshler)

12. Insomnia

Start the song. It's I Exist I Exist I Exist by Flatsound.

Sleep had evaded Josh for the entire time Hayley was at work. All of those nights, days, and weeks he'd spent unconscious because of the heroin were getting back at him right now with the most intense insomnia he'd ever experienced. He was fully alert past two in the morning, and his entire body was in pain.

More than once, Josh had considered calling Debby to come get him so he could just get high and have everything go back to normal. He couldn't do that though. He had to be stronger than that, no matter how much it killed him.

He was seconds away from giving in when he heard the front door open. Hayley looked tired when she came into the bedroom, but sympathy crossed her features when she saw that he was still awake.

"Can't sleep?" She asked as she slid her jacket off and hung it up in the closet.

"Nope," Josh replied, watching her kick her heels off before putting them away in the closet.

Hayley's place was a lot cleaner than Josh's had been. Josh really liked that. It made it seem like she had her life together, which was something Josh was really aiming for. She slipped her dress off too, dropping that in the laundry basket.

"Are you starting to feel sick?" She asked as she took out her earrings.

"Yeah," Josh replied quietly. He didn't like talking about his withdrawals with someone who had made it through them so easily.

"I spent whole days vomiting nonstop," Hayley told him, almost as if she was reading his thoughts. "I stayed in bed for weeks. I just threw up and cried. I had to break my phone so I wouldn't call anyone to bring me drugs. I almost called you, but I realized you wouldn't bring it to me if you knew I was trying to get clean."

"I might've if I knew what this felt like," Josh told her, watching her wipe her makeup away with a wipe.

"I promise I'm gonna help you make this as painless as possible," she told him, wiping away her crimson lipstick. "Have you eaten anything?"

Josh shook his head. "Not hungry."

Hayley sighed. "Okay, but have you ever felt hungry after a cocaine binge?"

Words failed Josh. No. Cocaine shut off the part of his brain that made him hungry. That's why he lost so much weight when he was on it. Debby had been practically skeletal. It had taken a year for her to fill out again. Josh was too scared to even consider how much weight he'd put back on before heroin had taken so much of it again.

Hayley was still just in lingerie as she climbed into bed next to him, but Josh's brain was too preoccupied thinking about the pain in his body and the way his ribs were poking out to appreciate that. His attention was pulled back to Hayley when she tiredly set a hand atop his forehead.

"Your temperature is getting high," she told him. "Your body's starting to fight the drugs."

"Yeah, or panic because they're not there," Josh replied tiredly.

"Could be," she agreed. "Are you scared?"

Josh glanced at her, worried that she was going to make fun of him if he said yes. There was worry in her eyes too though, and he realized he shouldn't be ashamed of any of this with her. She understood. She'd been through this before.

"I don't wanna die, Hayley, but it seems like I'm either gonna die from the drugs or the withdrawals," he told her before he could convince himself not to.