Existential Indifference (Joshler)

31. Dopamine

***Trigger warnings for self harm, a panic attack, mentions of abuse, withdrawals, emotionally abusive behaviour, suicidal thoughts, and thoughts of relapse.***

Start the song. It's Nesting Behavior by Mothers.

Tyler was fast asleep with his arm draped across Josh's waist when Josh woke up. He smiled despite how unbearably depressed he felt, pressing a soft kiss to Tyler's forehead before looking drowsily around the room. He was surprised to find that Jordan and Brendon were sitting in the chairs that used to be beside the bed, having pulled them over by the counter to work on homework. A slight smile tugged at Josh's lips when he heard Brendon explaining the FOIL method to his little brother.

His little brother looked just as unable to wrap his mind around the concept as Josh had always felt during algebra in school, making him grin as he nestled his face against Tyler's hair, breathing in the scent of his shampoo as he allowed his eyelids to drift shut again.

Every muscle, tendon, and bone in Josh's body felt like it was on fire, but he was relieved Tyler was here. Even though he could feel his skin starting to overheat as sweat beaded against the surface, it was a relief to have Tyler wrapped around him. It made him feel less alone in this.

"Sorry, dude. I'm not very smart," Jordan mumbled when Brendon had to show him another example.

Josh's eyes opened again, looking to his clearly overwhelmed brother. Before he could say anything, Brendon was talking.

"Hey, man. Math isn't everyone's thing. I fucking hate math. You'll get this though. You are smart. You just have a lot on your mind right now. It's okay. We'll get it," Brendon reassured him. "Okay. Let's try this one again, okay?"

Jordan nodded, picking up his pencil again and following Brendon's instructions as he broke it down and explained to Jordan why he was taking each step. Josh kept his aching arms wrapped around Tyler as he watched Jordan write in his notebook uncertainly for a moment before showing it to Brendon.

"Like that?" He asked doubtfully, clearly already convinced it was wrong.

Brendon grinned though. "Exactly like that! See? You've got this, dude. Here. Try another one."

The smile that spread across Jordan's face kind of made Josh's chest hurt. Was no one helping him with stuff like this at home? Even if Josh wanted to help, he knew he couldn't. He hadn't even graduated high school. He didn't know anything about algebra. It wasn't possible for him to help his little brother with stuff like this.

Surely someone was taking steps to build his confidence though, right? His mom was always working though, and their dad might as well have been a ghost. Did Ashley ever call to check in with Jordan? Josh didn't.

The guilt inside of Josh triggered him just as much as the pain in his body did. He knew he wouldn't feel guilty if he was high. He wouldn't be in pain if he was high. He wouldn't even have to be conscious if he was high. He craved that.

"Good job!" Brendon said excitedly when Jordan showed him his notebook again. Jordan beamed. "See, dude? You're smart. You've got this."

"Thanks," Jordan replied quietly with a smile as he set about working on another one.

Jordan did several more problems before showing Brendon. That was when he noticed Josh was watching him. He smiled instantly.

"Hey, you're awake!" He said excitedly. "Are you feeling better?"

They both looked at each other for a moment before it settled in for Jordan what a dumb question that was. This was just getting started. Josh was in the easiest set of twenty four hours right now, but it was progressively getting worse with every passing second.