Existential Indifference (Joshler)

41. Foggy

***Trigger warnings for mentions of abuse, mentions of drug use, mentions of eating disorders, mentions of PTSD, and mentions of overdose.***

Start the song. It's On the Floor by Seahaven.

Tyler didn't realize how long Josh had let him sleep until he woke up to his phone buzzing furiously across the room. It was dark in Josh's bedroom, and the alarm clock on the dresser said that it was three in the morning. Josh's side of the bed was empty, the blankets pushed down sloppily like Josh had left the bed in a hurry.

After climbing out of bed tentatively, Tyler stepped over the illuminated pocket of his overalls and left Josh's bedroom. It was habit to assume that Josh wasn't safe if he wasn't in bed, but it only took a second for him to find out that that wasn't the case today.

Josh was sitting on the floor beside the couch where Jordan was lying in a makeshift bed, clearly coming down from a panic attack of some kind. There was no panic on Josh's face though. His expression was one that Tyler knew well. He was in big brother mode. He was comforting and protecting Jordan, not at all concerned about himself as he soothed his fingers through Jordan's curls and listened to his little brother hiccup out occasional sobs.

"It was just a dream," Josh whispered gently to Jordan, brushing his hair off of his forehead gently. "He can't hurt you. He's locked up right now, and even if he wasn't, I'd protect you. I'll always protect you. That's my job. You're my baby brother. It's my job to keep you safe, and I'm not putting that on the back burner anymore. I won't ever let him hurt you again. I promise."

Tyler silently sat down in the hallway, going unnoticed by Josh and Jordan and he tried not to think about how many conversations just like this one he'd shared with Zack. It felt like Jordan's tiny sobs were Zack's, and Tyler felt sick to his stomach.

"I hate him so much," Jordan sobbed out, coughing quietly from the force of it.

Josh nodded slightly, laying his head on the couch beside Jordan's. "I know. I do too. That's okay. You're allowed to hate him. Even if he's our dad, we don't have to love him. He's not a good guy. We don't have to make excuses for him."

"I'm sorry I never protected you," Jordan sobbed out, his eyes full of absolute agony as he turned his head to look at Josh. "He used to beat the shit out of you every day, and we all just hid in our room with the door closed and were relieved it wasn't us. We didn't try to protect you. We just let him hurt you and say horrible things to you. I'm so sorry, Josh. I'm so sorry."

Josh hushed his brother quietly when another harsh sob left Jordan's lips. He shook his head, stroking Jordan's hair tenderly again. "Hey, shhhh. It's okay. Shhh. It's okay. It wasn't your fault. I'd do it again and again if it meant he never hurt you, okay? I'm the one who told Ashley to get you and Abbie into our room and to hide you until he calmed down. I was bigger than you, Jordan. I could take it. He could've killed you if you tried to help me."

"You couldn't take it though," Jordan whimpered out. "We all thought you could take it, but then you started using because you couldn't. You had to be high to handle it. We did that to you. I did that to you."

Josh hushed Jordan again, shaking his head. "No, dude. Hey. Don't do that. My problems have nothing to do with you. You were just a little kid. It wasn't your responsibility to take care of me, just like it shouldn't have been my responsibility to take care of you guys. Dad fucked up. That's on him. The only person at fault for me getting knocked around was him. That was all him. The drugs are on me though. I saw what they did to him and used them anyway. That's not your fault. Do you understand that?"

Jordan nodded, whimpering quietly as he did so.

"Good," Josh guided quietly. "I need to hear you admit that out loud, and I think you need to hear yourself too. Can you tell both of us that it's not your fault I did drugs?"