Existential Indifference (Joshler)

18. Cravings

Start the song. It's I Saw Water by Tigers Jaw.

It was actually kind of a miracle that Josh still had a job after practically falling off the grid for a week. Still, his boss texted him this morning that he was supposed to come in today. He'd had to fight for Hayley and Tyler to let him go, but ultimately, he'd been working in this condition for months, so no one really could claim that he couldn't do this.

Finally, forty-five minutes before he needed to be at work, Tyler agreed to drop him off at his car and to let him go. He had classes anyways. The compromise was that Josh had to either go with Hayley tonight when she went to work or go with Tyler when he went to the library. He wasn't allowed to be home alone until they were certain he wasn't going to have a seizure or another relapse. Since going to a sleazy Oklahoma night club one day after relapse sounded like Josh's worst nightmare, he decided to go with Tyler.

While Josh was getting ready for work, still mostly in bliss compared to the withdrawals he'd gone through last week, Tyler kept an eye on him. It was weird to know he was essentially being watched by a babysitter but not really minding. Maybe that was just because he was smoking so much though.

Pretty early on in Josh's heroin experience, Ashley had taught him a few tips for fighting cravings when necessary. Most were almost as destructive as the drug itself, others were useless, and some just worked. There were only a few that were readily available to Josh at the moment, and no one was really trying to stop him from using them.

Josh had been chain-smoking all morning. He wasn't even sure where he'd put his lighter, but it didn't matter. He lit the first one with it and every other cigarette since had been ignited with the embers of another. His lungs were still too numb to ache, so everything was fine.

"Can I ask an annoying question?" Tyler asked from where he was sitting on Hayley's bed while Josh put on his uniform.

"I guess," Josh replied, setting his cigarette down in the ash tray on Hayley's vanity so he could button his shirt.

Tyler was practically surrounded by homework from classes he'd missed. Josh felt guilty whenever he looked at it, knowing full well that skipping class wasn't something Tyler would ever do if he wasn't trying to help Josh. The younger man closed his book and set it down on the bed before looking at Josh inquisitively.

"Are you shifting your heroin addiction over to your cigarette addiction so you don't have to give as much up?" He asked Josh warily.

Josh's hands stilled above the final button on his shirt. He glanced at Tyler. He'd never thought about it like that. Cigarettes didn't even give him a tiny trace of the high heroin did, so it never seemed like an either/or situation. He couldn't trade heroin for cigarettes. Heroin was the only thing keeping him upright most days, and cigarettes only slightly soothed the burn.

"I don't think so," Josh replied uncertainly, buttoning the final button before picking up the cigarette again. "I'll get better stuff when I get to work. I just-"

"Better stuff for what?" Tyler asked, instantly looking nervous, and Josh immediately realized his mistake.

"No, not that. I'm not gonna get high. I swear. I mean stuff that helps me with the cravings," Josh explained. When Tyler still looked concerned, he sighed and sat on the bed next to the younger man. "There are things that distract you from wanting to shoot up. They're not as helpful as taking a different drug or whatever, but they can help. When I first started, I used to have to chew those hard candy mints all the time because something about the taste and texture distracted my brain."

"Mints?" Tyler asked curiously.

Josh nodded, giving in and stubbing out his cigarette blunt on the bottom of his shoe before dropping it in the wastepaper basket by the bed. He laid down with his head in Tyler's lap, looking up at him tiredly.