Girl meets ships

Rucas- Too much for you

*HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING*
*this chapter involves self harm, if that makes you feel uncomfortable please click off xx*

Riley Mathews was weak, she told herself this over and over. She knew this. She was reliant on her friends, her family and especially Lucas... but she couldn't rely on him. Not for this, this was too much him.

Riley had started hurting herself. She couldn't even remember the first time. By now it was a memory fogged by tears, and pain, followed by relief.

She mostly felt relief.

She knew it was wrong. She knew that every time she slid a razor across her thigh, or held her wrist to a flame that she was doing irreversible damage to both her body and her mind, but she wasn't hurting anyone else, and it kept her sane. She needed to stay sane.

It had only happened a couple of times... she wasn't depressed... she refused to admit she was depressed.

She just needed a way to release her anger. She could understand how some days she wanted to run into an open field and scream until there was no breath left in her lungs, and other days she just wanted to curl into a ball and stop existing.

Riley Mathews didn't want to die. No. No. No, she just didn't want to exist anymore.

Sure, Lucas had chosen her, but a part of him would always love Maya.

She had broken them up.

She had ruined her friends shot at happiness. And now every time she looked at Lucas she couldn't help but think he might prefer to be with Maya.

If she was gone he wouldn't have to decide.

A knock on her bedroom door startled her, she knew she had invited Lucas over, but that had felt like ages ago.

How long had she been sitting there? Willing the scars on her upper thigh to disappear?

She pulled her shorts over her thighs and stood, wiping her eyes and opening the door.

Lucas stood there, smiling beautifully at her.

She didn't deserve him.

She didn't deserve anyone.

She forced a smile and took him by the hand, leading him over to the bed without a word.

He kissed her hello, and opened his laptop bag, pulling out their math assignment that was meant to be done tonight.

Riley could think of nothing worse than doing math right now.

Math would make her more numb. She needed to feel something.

She pushed the laptop bag out of his hands, and his assignment toppled to the floor.

"Riley!" He began, but she silenced him with a kiss.

She wrapped her hands around his neck, kissing him intently, with more passion and desperation then Lucas had ever experienced in a loss.

He placed his hands on her waist, kissing her breathlessly for a moment before pulling away.

"Riley we have to work." He laughed, moving her arms off of him.