MONITOR ° HHJ

1 4

ara
11 FEBRUARY 2018

i didn't have the courage
to face you that day

i felt excited , yet nervous
about how you were going
to treat me from today onwards

is it really official ?

are we already a couple ?

are you going to leave notes
in my locker everyday like how
boyfriends do ?

or maybe take me out on
a nice date ?

maybe a walk by the beach
watching the sun set before
us as we hold hands ?

that's what people usually do
right ?

after all , you really were my first
kiss . and i hope i was yours too

after the kiss yesterday, i
remembered packing my bag
immediately and then i left you
behind in the classroom alone .

did you want me to stay ?

maybe i left too soon before
you could actually confess
your feelings properly ..

that morning , i was trudging
my way to class , after
a debate with myself whether
or not i should skip school .

i reached the class door , and
held on to the door knob .

i saw you inside with the rest of
the boys , laughing together .

i hesitated to open the door ,
but then i heard someone
behind me say " uh ara ? are
you going to go in ? "

ah , ryujin the prettiest girl
in class . maybe you can call
her the female version of
hyunjin ?

" u-um you can go in first ,"
i said as i opened the door
for her , before she thanked
me politely .

then i heard your voice
louder , and clearer .

" so did you do your dare ? "
changbin asked you .

i didn't understand what he
meant by the word dare , so
i decided to eavesdrop on you
and the others .

" you mean the kiss ? hell
yeah lmao ," you replied .

" you confessed to her too ?"

" yeah ! HAHA cOnFeSs ,"
you said in a sarcastic tone ,
with both of your hands doing
the rabbit thingy .

( sry dshdjsk idk how
to explain it )

my smile slowly turned
upside down , what is this
pain i feel ?

" so ... what are you going to
tell her later on ? that everything
was just a dare and there's actually
nothing between the two of you ? "

" i mean ... yeah ... maybe ? "

i felt the nausea swirling
unrestrained in my empty
stomach and my head swam
with half-formed regrets .

" man ! i told you ryujin would
be better for you ! she's much more
prettier ! she is like the female version
of you HAHA you two will look good
together ! "

" yeah ... i think i'll aim for
ryujin next time ," you nodded
and laughed it off , as if you
didn't do anything wrong .

so everything was just ...
a joke to you ?

i slowly took a few steps back ,
with my heart broken into a million
of pieces .

i could feel my eyes welling up .

i slammed into one of
the bathroom cubicles .

i had no reason to break
down , but i did .

i knew it was just a mere
crush phase , so why did
i expect much anyways ?

i have no right to call this love but

i think i'm finally having a taste ,

of how bitter love or simply
the idea of being in love
actually can be .