Your Light (Tu Luz) [Joel Pimentel]

Chapter 26

When I opened my eyes, I realized I was out for too long, it's dark outside. I don't find any sign of Joel in my room and I honestly, felt grateful because I don't have to deal with him looking me straight in the eyes, and finding myself weak.

Somehow, I was wondering if I'm leading him on because truly I feel like I am. I feel like sometimes it's not fair that he's ready to love but I'm not.

I'm far too broken to love. I'm beyond reach.

I'm almost an outcast.

Joel doesn't deserve all this. He deserves someone who loves him so much they'd be willing to drop everything they have just to be with him.

I know deep in my heart, I'd do that for him but right now? I don't think it's the right time.

Too much people in my life, used to mean so much to me, died for many reasons.

Although I couldn't for the life of me, accept what Austin had did to me, I know it was because he loves me.

Too much it took a toll on him.

And that's why I'm afraid, if Joel loves me too much, it'll take a toll on him too, and he might kill himself too, one day.

I don't want to happen because I love him too much. Too much I'm willing to sacrifice all I have to keep him safe.

He's too precious for the harm of the world.

A precious gems are not for defective items.

We're far too different.

So, when he called just now. I didn't answer. Call me a moron for doing this, but I am a moron.

I stayed up the whole night contemplating and also, thinking hard on everything that happened in my life. Whether it was related to the dead or the living.

Like, how the hell in one day so much could happened. Is it even fair?

I shuddered at the thought of Austin, laying dead, pooling in his own blood right here, in my room.

It was far too gory and disturbing.

Next day, I went to school with a massive eye bag, and a slight dark outfit, impersonating my mood.

"Woah, Dhianna. You're giving the gothic vibe." Yoandri said as he sit next to me in AP Calculus.

I rolled my eyes at him, "..Thanks?"

"What happened to you yesterday, Dhianna?" He asked and I winced at the question.

"Nothing." I said. "Nothing happened."

He gave me a long look before saying, "Alright, if anything, I'm here, okay?"

I nodded and as soon as Mr Matthew walked inside the class, everyone shuts up and we continue the lesson from yesterday.

My mind soared to places I don't recognize. I had been doing this quite a lot since last night.

School went in a fast pace and when I arrived at my house, I saw Joel standing on my porch, a concerning look on his face.

I closed my eyes as I take a deep breath, beating myself up and thinking hard on how the hell am I going to end everything when he looked like that.

Love was clear in his eyes, concern was shining through him and gosh, is he an angel?

"Dhianna." He greeted as I walked over him.

"What are you doing here, Joel?" I asked, cold.

"Why.." he started, "..Why are you avoiding my calls and texts?"

I sighed, "Joel, I'm not in the mood right now. Can you just leave me alone?"

"Dhianna, you're being difficult right now. Tell me what I did wrong."

When I was quiet, for a whole minute, he walked nearer, putting his hands in my hair.

"Wanna know why?" I started "It's because I lost too many people in my life, that actually meant something for me, that I never felt more lost. Never, Joel. At thoughts or in reality..."

"Dhianna.." He staggered farther.

"Joel, you're putting yourself in risk by getting in a relationship with me. I cannot risk myself on losing one more person I genuinely care about. Not you, not anyone else." I explained.

"Dhianna, listen..."

"Please, walk away, Joel. Do me a favor. I cannot lose you. Please, have some mercy on me. I don't want to make you feel like I'm using you as an escape just because you saved me." I pleaded.

"..Because I don't want your pity. I don't want you to love me because I was alone and I went through something horrible. I don't want that, Joel."

"Dhianna!" He exclaimed.

"I'm not gonna walk away because your reasons just doesn't make sense. You're ending this because you don't want to hurt me. News flash, Dhianna Louise-Ava Gabriel, you're hurting me right now."

I shuddered when he said my full name.

"I'm sorry, Joel. I had reasons for doing this as much as how weird those reasons are."

He huffed, "Listen, Dhianna. You're not doing this to me."

I closed my eyes, "...I'm sorry, Joel."

He gave me one long look. "Dhianna, please.."

"I'm sorry." The words tasted so bitter I choked.

A flash of pain passed through his feature and my heart broke at that.

He nodded and just walked away.

"I love you, Joel. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." I said under my breath and I quickly went inside the house, to my room and cried the whole night and the weeks and months after that.