After that morning scene natulog lang ako maghapon and the day after that.
Today is sunday.
Sabi ni lola magsisimba kaya maaga akong gumising.
Maaga na ako lagi nagigising I don't know but I just did.
Far from the days where I'm too lazy or too tired to get up.
Days where my day and night changed its purpose.
Maybe because everything and everyone is fresh and ready for the day. And I fell like I am too.
Hindi katulad sa maynila na puro ingay ng tao at sasakyan ang maririnig kapag umaga.
The difference is people here are also busy but cheerful and ready for the day. Hindi nagmamadali. Hindi magulo.
Kabaliktaran naman ng sa syudad. Everything seems always busy and rushing.
Karamihan na maririnig mo paglabas palang ng bahay ay reklamo. Starting from the traffic, pagsakay ng taxi agawan, sa MRT or LRT punuan even in jeepneys. Madaming sasakyan. Madaming tao. Madaming aksidente. Everything is in chaos and urgent.
Back then I was even lazy enough to get up and go to school and repeat that kind of routine over and over again.
Its tiring.
Hindi katulad dito, payapa, tahimik, malawak at malinis and above all konti ang tao. Konti lang ang makikialam sayo which works for me just fine.
Katok ni lola ang nakapagpatigil sa mga iniisip ko at aalis na raw kami. One last glance at the mirror and I am ready to go. I am wearing a cream colored dress that meets my knees and a simple brown flats. Lola made me wore these. I was just planning to go on simple shirt and jeans but lola insisted taking only yes for an answer, that is why I look like a devoted catholic person who attends mass every sunday which is the total opposite by the way.
Truth was it's been a long time since I last went to church and it is memorable indeed.
Wala pang masyadong tao pagdating namin sa simbahan may kausap si lola habang naghihintay na magumpisa hanggang sa dumami na ang tao at nagumpisa na ang misa. After ng misa ay hindi pa rin tapos magdasal si lola kaya naupo nalang ako at tahimik na naghintay at nagmasid sa paligid.
Sabi nila kapag nakapagsimba ka daw gagaan ang pakiramdam mo.
I don't. I still feel the same.
Maybe because of my sins. Inihingi ko na ng kapatawaran yun noon pa, matagal na.
Because the last time I went to church is watching the priest having a mass in front of everyone wearing black clothes mourning for someone they lost.
Someone who's gone.
I was there.
Watching everything unfolds. Atleast I was there.
Mourning.
Regretting.
And most of all.
Guilty.
Umiyak na pala ako ng maramdam ko ang nabasang pisngi at mabilisang pinahid. Takot na may makakita. Makita ni lola.
Lumingon lingon ako na pinagsisihan ko lang din. Nakita ko sya. He's already looking at me. He's wearing white shirt and wash jeans and I just notice he's with someone.
Binawi ko ang tingin.
Maybe I wasnt feeling okay even when I am in here in this blessed holy place is because someone has not really forgiven me yet.
Him.
Or not.
Maybe my friends.
Maybe Lance or maybe everybody who knows what I have done.
