You wouldn't know someone's capable of untill they were hurt. And when it happened to you you wouldn't know what to say or react and you will find yourself in the corner watching.
Just watching.
Because there is nothing else to do or because you were forced to do it while threatening your friends life if you didnt give them what they want.
We were hugging each other untill somebody snatch each one of us, grabbing our hair and forcely separate us.
It was hard.
Clinging to each others while you were hurting because you cant just let go. Hindi ko na sila mahawakan and it scared me more. Wala akong mahawakan kundi ang sarili ko. I dont even know if my friends is sane enough to hold themselves. Walang nagsasalita. Just soft pained whimpers and them laughing like everything is entertaining them. I cant even open my mouth to utter something to shout at them for doing this to us.
Wala akong magawa. Wala kaming magawa.
I was under the influence of the thoughts of what they would do to us. How horrible it can get. Habang ang mga kaibigan ko naman ay tahimik na umiiyak sa bawat sulok ng kwarto. The man who talks comes forward clicking his tongue. And i know from that moment they were far from being done.
Pinaghiwahiwalay nila kami. Tigiisa sa bawat sulok ng kwarto. Pero lima kami.
Ako ang naiwan sa gitna. Pinaiwan sa gitna.
That horrifying situation increases when he just told me to undress myself just like my friends.
"Come on Celine humor us. Your good at entertaining right? So unahin natin sa damit."
He smiled. His devilish smile makes my insides clenched cold. And I remember him.
Alex.
Then my arm stings. I jump in surprise, someone just inject something on me I didnt even notice coming. My heart drumming loudly ringing my ears as I look in that familiar syringe I bowed never to touch in my life.
My mouth dries as they all laugh at my horrified expression. They just drugged me and they find it fun. How evil can they get. Sa oras na ding yun natabunan na ng galit ang natitira kong pagmamahal para sakanya. Para kay Lance. My eyes blurred and a pained whimper escape my lips and cried it all. How could he do this to me? Hindi ko halos maisip kung panong nagawa nya samin to. The betrayal Im feeling right now is too much. Too much to handle that I can't even think straight.
"Para namang hindi mo pa nagagawa to. Chill this is fun."
I look at him. Them. I will fucking memorize these faces.
"Oh bat ka ganyan makatingin? Hindi mo ba nagustuhan? Isa pa?"
Nanghina ako mabilis akong umiling. Ayoko na. Hindi ko na kakayanin.
And I beg.I beg so much for them to just let us go. But they didnt listen then one of them gets to Lily's corner while holding a knife.
"Ayaw mo?"
He sound like his hurt for me not being cooperative. And I know this will get physical if I dont do it.
"No no no please. I'll do it. Okay just stay away from them."
With trembling hands I start discarding my clothes but at the same time he stab Lily's right leg my knees weakens as i slump in the cold tile floor watching the blood flows as lily cried of pain. My whole body froze. Why? I can't even look away to the blood flowing my way as I beg for us. The sight of blood scared me so much. So much that I thought Im seeing red.
"Tama na please. Palabasin nyo na kami. Wala kaming ginawang masama sainyo."
I didnt know to think when lily was drag to the center limping. Mahahawakan ko na sana sya konti nalang sana pero itinulak ako at napasubsub agad sa sulok kung saan galing si lily. Nasa gitna na sya looking nothing but lost. Tinitignan nya ako habang nasa gitna sya. She looks scared looking at me while shaking her head. Like she knows whats going to happen. Like she knows she wouldn't like any bit of it. And all I could do is beg. I beg so much. But no mercy is shown.
There's no mercy in that room.
"Wala ba? Hmm. Let me think.
Oh? I remember. Ilang beses mo ba akong nireject Celine?eight?nine? Tapos kayo nagkatuluyan ni Lance ang dahilan kung bakit kayo nandito? Ironic isnt it? Inayawan mo ako kasi akala mo hindi ako ang para sayo pero anong nangyari? Hindi rin kayo para sa isat isa. Tsk tsk tsk."
"Alex please pagusapan natin to. Bat kailangan may ganito?"
"Sawa na ako sa usap usap Celine. Gusto ko ng aksyon. Yung buhay na buhay."
Oh god.
Lumapit sya kay Lily and little by little I watched how those filthy mouths kissed her while looking at me and start doing things I never thought I could stomach witnessing on one of my friends. Yumuko ako ang sakit sa mata. Hindi ko kaya.
"Oops sakin lang ang tingin. Gusto ko yung ako lang yung tinitignan mo o baka gusto mong dagdagan ko ang kaibigan mo dito sa gitna."
Napaangat agad ako ng tingin sa kanya. Someone grabs my hair making me look at them. Just them. Doing everything i never want to witness my whole life.
Tumigil sya. Saka ako nakahinga. Tumingin sya sa mga kasama na binalingan ang mga sulok ng kwarto. Ang mga kaibigan ko. What is he going to do?He then glance at my friends still frozen in shock looking at Lily being molested in front of our eyes. Wala nanaman akong nagawa. I cant even close my eyes as the scene unfold in front of me. In front of us. Everything hurts in me. Para akong pinahinga pero sinakal ulit. Leaving me dying of pain. Regret.
Naramdaman ko ang pagmamakaawa sa bawat hawak. Ang pandidiri sa bawat halik. I cried for her in everything he did. I cried for her because there's nothing we could do. Then there comes my nightmare.
He raped her.
In front of me.
I watch everything.
Everything.
Never letting me glance the other way. Kasi isa sa kanila hinawakan ang ulo ko. Kasi kailangan kong makita. Kasi kailangan kong pagsisihan ang nangyayari. Kasi ako ang nagdala sa kanila dito. Kasi kasalanan ko. Kasi kaibigan nila ako. Kasi ex ko sya. Kasi mahal nya ako at mahal ko sya. Kasi kami talaga ang may kasalanang dalawa.
I shout and shout untill my throat hurts, voice trembles and weakens. I trashed while freeing myself from them trying everything just to get those filthy eyes. Hands. Mouths. To my friend. I just cant take it anymore that I feel weak dizzy and unfocused. Nasusuka ako, nanghihina. They drugged me and its kicking in making me weaker than ever. Pero nakita ko pa rin. Nakita ko pa rin lahat. Ang paglapit nila sa mga kaibigan ko.
Kay mica.
Erika.
Aubrey.
Isa isang nakita ko.
Pagngisi.
Paghawak.
Paghalik.
Nakita ko lahat.
Pagmamakaawa.
Pag-iyak.
Pandidiri.
Nakita ko lahat.
Nakita ko lang.
Lahat.
Untill the door bolted open I saw it all, as my nightmare came to life that triggered every ounce of pain I have in me. I look at him in the eye with every fiber of my being shouting how he could do this?!
"Maybe I like my own pain. Some sick twisted part of me likes to be hurt over and over again."
