Last day na namin ngayon dito sa isla. Tanaw ko ang maiingay na alon, mga naggagalawang dahon sa taas ng puno. Malamig. Malungkot. Hindi naman ako magisa pero feeling ko wala akong kasama.
Masaya namamg naliligo sila Marco at iba pang kasama, sinusulit na dahil aalis na kami mamayang hapon. Hindi ko alam pero hindi ko makuhang makisama o makihalubilo.
Siguro kasi akala ko okay na ako. Akla ko kaya ko na pero katulad ng mga alaala ko na yun hindi pa rin mawala. Naalala ko pa rin. Yung kunsensya na kakalabit. The people who died in there. The people I killed in there hindi ko pa rin makalimutan. Nakakabaliw pa rin isipin. Nakakatakot.
Hindi na ata ako makakaalis pa.
Nililibot ko ang mata sa mga kaibigan na nagsasayahan sa baba. Mataas na ang sikat ng araw tamang tama para magtampisaw sa tubig alat pero mas kuntento akong manood nalang. Wala ako sa mood.
Katulad nang isa doon sa ilalim ng niyog at malayo din sa mga kasama namin. Hindi ko na sya nakita pagkatapos nun. Nung maraming syang itinanung at marami din akong nasagot and I dont think I have it in me to face him and act like we were okay. Not like were okay before that.
How i wish things were different.
So i cant be this too hard on myself. On him.
I sighed as I look at him leaning against the coconut tree looking at the peaceful waves crashing on the shore.
Napatingin ako ng sunod sunod na nagtakbuhan sina Irish at Irene sa dagat para maligo. Malalakas ang tili na pumupuno sa lugar. I glance at his way and he's already looking at me. I awkwardly shifted my eyes to my friends and pretend I didnt see him looking. Ramdam ko pa rin ang tingin nya pero pinilit kong wag na syang balikan pa ng tingin. We were not okay. We were not even friends and i realize that I'm dissappointed somehow on our supposed friendship.
If i did not just know him. Or he did not know me. We could have been friends.
We could have been.
Shaking my head getting rid of unwanted thoughts umalis na ako sa balkonahe at nagpasyang pumunta sa mga kasama para sumabay kumain.
Pretending things were normal. I was normal.
He didnt pretend though.
Paminsan minsan ko syang sulyapan pero hindi sya lumapit at sumabay sa lunch. He just sit there and watch us, me, as I awkwardly finish eating and
pretending. And at the end of the day I watched his retreating back away from us as we separated our ways home.
Gabi na kami ng makauwi. I am literaly exhausted. Pagkatapos kong magpakita kay lola umakyat na ako at naligo agad. I need rest. My body hurts and maybe my heart too as sleep takes me away from reality.
Kinabukasan nagising ako ng ingay ng katok ni lola.
I walked slowly taking my time. My body hurts so much. Every muscles. But I didnt know then na mas masakit pa ang dala ni lolang balita.
"Apo buksan mo ang pinto. Gumising ka na. Kaelangan kitang makausap." hearing lola's loud voice outside the door while continously banging the door i immediately opened it just to be greeted with another face. One that could'nt just go all the way here to see me.
My dad.
Tinitigan ko syang matagal mukha siguro akong nakakita ng multo pero wala akong pakialam hindi ko akalain na pupunta dito si papa at nandito sa harap ko para makausap ako.
Makausap.
Talking.
The last time we talk is the last time he was my father to me. Tinanguan nya si lola at sinabing maguusap kami. Tinitigan ako ni lola at dahan dahan umalis sa harap namin.
Binuksan ko ng tuluyan ang pinto at bumalik sa kama para umupo.
What he wants to say must be really important to come all the way here to talk to me.
It should be.
