"Who are you running from?"
Another question.
Another answer.
I wasn't really that ready.
But still I answered. From the very start this is all he wants from me.
Truth.
"I'm running from my friend's, my family, thier family, people I've hurt that includes you."
"Why?"
Again. Asking me why again. Why does he have to ask again.
"Because I'm guilty ,damn it! How many times do i have to tell you that?"
This is what he wants right? Yung sabihin ko na kasalanan ko. Yung sabihin ko na ako ang may gawa. It all points to me because I'm the one who survive with no physical pain, no injuries. I'm the one who escaped first not my friends.
Not him.
Not them.
"Its all my fault"
A tear already fell.
Followed by another.
And Another.
Then sob escaped my lips. Over and over again.
Remembering them really hurts. Too much.
"I'm running because my conscience is killing me."
With blurry eyes I can see him standing four meters away from me. I can't see him clearly because of tears but I saw him move, taking steps. Coming near me but stop. I'm still looking at his feet. Just looking. I want him to move his feet.
Move. Leave.
I dont want another question. Thats all i can give. It may not be detailed but its all it is to me. My life changes just that. Our life changes just like that.
"Are you okay?"
Im not.
He sound different. His voice isnt that sharp anymore. His voice sounds sharp to me. Harsh. That it cuts, cuts through me and bleed and hurts me more. But now he sound soft like concerned. But I know his not.
He moves.
Closer.
"Don't come near me."
He steps halts.
I look him in the eye. He gasps looking at me. I can see his fists clenched and taking lungful of breaths like his losing his patience or ...something. Is he going to hurt me? My heart aches. It hurts so much making me cry more. I tried to speak in between my sobs.
"May gusto ka pa bang malaman?"
My question sounds like whisper. Like afraid to be heard. Scared that actually there would be another question waiting to torture her again. Because his questions hurts so much.
Masakit. Angsakit na halos ang hirap huminga.
He always saves me right?
But why do I feel like he left me hanging in danger now.
Why cant he just leave.
He cant save me anyway.
I dont want him looking at me this way. I dont even want to look at myself this way.
I want him to leave.
Sya naman ang umalis. Pagod na akong umalis. Tumakas.
Sinundan nya ako diba. Ngayong nasagot ko na ang mga tanong nya bakit hindi na lang sya ang umalis. Inamin ko na. Kasalanan ko. Nasaktan ang mga kaibigan ko. Nasunog ang bahay.
Nasaktan si Lance. Namatay. Nasaktan. Naiwan.
Ako ang may kasalanan.
One last look at me.
He left.
Umalis na sya. Katulad ng gusto ko. Kasi nasagot ko na ang mga tanong nya. Wala na syang kailangan sakin.
I look at his back retreating. I cried harder. I feel like slumping to the floor because my knees weakens more. I tried to walk near the wall and press my hand, feeling the coldness of it. I walk. Step by step reaching the room. But not my room. I need this room now. The comfortability of it. Looking at the bed. Throwing myself in it. Hugging the pillows and cried more.
