Sabi nila nobody knows yourself but yourself alone. Naniniwala talaga ako na ganun nga, kaso sa naging takbo ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko, minsan hindi ko na alam. Minsan nawawala ako. Minsan parang namamanhid na din.
Katulad ngayon.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ngumiti, na isagot sa kanila na okay nga lang talaga. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nakaramdam ng sobrang kaba takot at lungkot nung makita ko sila sa pinto, makita sila na nandito sa harapan ko. Malapit sakin.
Madami na akong hindi alam at yun ang problema. Hindi ko na ata kilala ang sarili ko.
They look so sad looking at me after I smiled. They just stared at may face, my smile. Yung ngiti ko paunti unting nawawala.
They look at me with so much sadness. Too much. I can barely hold it. Of course they know me too well. Yung takot ko nangingibabaw. My walls , they're crumbling. My mask, its melting.
So i cried.
I cried so bad. Hindi ko napigilan. Masakit. I know what kind of look they gave. Naaawa sila sakin. I must have look like what I actually felt like and.... I feel sad. I feel regret. I can still feel that night. Everynight. In my bed. When I think darkness can comfort me.
It dont. It haunts me.
At hirap na hirap na akong tumakbo.
They cried with me. The feelings didnt change because it happened because....I happened.
Lance died because of me. Saving me. I was just there. Staying still. Looking. The fire. It is too much. Too much that it kills whoever it wants and feeling like this maybe...I died that night.
But I dont because someone had to save me even though looking at Lance's eyes pleading me to fight and leave while he's barely breathing, that maybe I dont... I dont think I need saving.
Looking at my friends crying thier hearts out like the way we used to be. Hearts out.
So we mourn for the love I lost. For friendship that we promised. We mourn for the life taken and for the fear and innocence they've taken with them.
At higit sa lahat si Lily.
We lost our friend. We cried for her and that cruel night. Iniyak namin lahat kasi yun nalang ang natitirang gawin. Magsisi, manghinayang at malungkot. Sobrang malungkot kasi wala kaming mababago. Tapos na pero masakit pa rin.
Aubrey first broke our silent mourning and add more fuel making me question how far did i damage? How far did I go?
"Sa sobrang trauma ko nagpapsychiatrist ako tapos... doon kami nagkita ni Erika." She stopped talking and look at Erika and smiled sadly. "Nakatulong saming dalawa na magkasama kaming pinaguusapan yung pangyayari." She look pained. Tears flowing from her no longer innocent eyes. " Pero andito ka pala magisang inaalala ang lahat." She cried more. Sumisinok na rin. "Beb hindi kita iiwan dito promise." Nangiti ako kahit masakit sa mata. Mahigpit lang yung yakap, hindi bumibitiw na parang mawawala nun lahat ng naranasan namin. Sana ganun lang. Nakita kong kumuha naman ng isa pang box ng tissue si Erika bago nagsalita.
"Dinala ako doon ni mama kasi hindi ako makapagsalita." Yung tuyo na nyang pisngi nabasa uli. Umiiyak uli." Umiiyak lang ako lagi. Hindi ko maramdaman yung gutom o uhaw nun." It was really selfish of me to think na parang walang nangyari sa kanila. " Kahit hanggang ngayon di ko alam kung ilang araw o linggo ba akong walang kinakausap ni hindi ko nga alam kung umaalis pa ako sa pwesto ko. All i know is that it hurt. Nakakamanhid yung sakit Celine." I was wrong to think na okay na talaga sila. "Kaya nung di na kaya ni mama yung nakikita nya saka nya ako dinala sa psychiatrist din ni Aubrey, don ako nakapagsalita, nung kasama ko na siya. Kaya alam kong di ka okay kaya wag kang pangiti ngiti lang dyan." She look dead serious. Kahit tuloy tuloy yung luha seryoso sya.
