Lockjaw (Joshler)

57. Brother

***Trigger warnings for mentions of self harm scars and mentions of suicidal thoughts.***

Start the song. It's For Sure by Ethel Cain.

As soon as they were in the car again, Zack punched Tyler's shoulder, ignoring the beginnings of Tyler's complaint at the unexpected pain as he demanded, "How fucking long has this been going on? How the hell did you even end up here? This is insane! You know that, right? I know you've had shitty luck in relationships, but that doesn't mean you start dating convicts! What the hell is this, dude? Are you on fucking crack or something? Why didn't you say anything?"

He cooled down a little when Tyler shot him a look that only oldest siblings were able to conjure, but his frown still persisted as he added, "Tyler, you would lose your mind if anyone else in our family was doing what you're doing. This is dangerous, dude. You have to understand that."

"You're only saying that because you don't know him. If you knew him, you would know he's not a threat to me. He's not scary. Heavily traumatized, sure, but he's actually one of the nicest people I've ever met. I don't really think I even understand why I first started talking to him, but I don't know if I would still be here right now if I hadn't. He really had my back when Jenna left, and...."

"When Jenna left?" Zack exclaimed, his eyes uncharacteristically wide with anxiety. "You've been talking to him for that long? Tyler! Why didn't you tell me things were so bad that you were writing to fucking prisoners for help?"

Even if his little brother was generally externally emotionless and unlikely to sympathize on the outside, Tyler knew Zack was going to take his next words very personally. Still, Tyler admitted, "Zack, I can't talk to any of you about personal stuff. As soon as I have any emotions at all, you guys freeze up and close the conversation. I can't be real about anything with you. I've never been able to do that. Our family is the worst group of people to come to for any issue that isn't addressed in a court of law."

Tyler didn't realize he'd been anxiously rubbing at the thick scar on his wrist while talking, until Zack's eyes shot down to his hands and immediately filled with tears. For the first time in years, Zack looked a lot like he had when he was a kid. He looked like the frightened little boy who used to ask if he could sleep on Tyler's bedroom floor when their parents were out of town. He looked like the kid who was too sick with guilt to go on field trips if Tyler ever had to forge their parents' signatures on permission slips. He looked like the kid who used to cry every time he and Tyler got into an argument as kids because he didn't want Tyler to be mad at him.

He wasn't prepared for how shaky and quiet Zack's voice had become by the time he finally gathered up the courage to ask, "Were you suicidal again after Jenna?"

Tyler shrugged, pulling the sleeve of his coat down and starting the car, just to give his hands something else to do. Instead of answering the question, he changed the subject slightly, revealing to his brother, "Josh went to school with Jenna...before the fire. She wasn't a very good person when he knew her."

Zack's eyebrows drew together as he processed Tyler's gentle shift away from his fearful question, but he somehow concluded, "No one's a good person in middle school."

"Kennedy used to send Josh love letters when he was a teenager. She was definitely an adult, and he never responded, but she still sent him a picture of herself and stuff. He gave me the letter a while ago because he knew I would feel better if I had confirmation that she was actually just a terrible person, and it wasn't my fault that she did what she did to me," Tyler continued.

"Gross. Of course she did," Zack replied irritably, dropping his head back against the seat and taking a deep breath. He wiped at the tears lingering on his cheeks.