Ray didn't ask much about my "women's retreat" with Lori which was fine with me. Less lying. After doing all of Rays laundry and cleaning up the kitchen, bathrooms and our bedroom I can finally rest. I had no idea he could make such a mess in three days. Okay... I guess I should have imagined. He barely knows how to warm up soup, which makes me laugh. It's probably the easiest thing to do. I haven't seen Lindsey in four days, when he comes here for the garden I've made sure I was gone. I've been avoiding him and as much as it hurts me and I'm sure it hurts him just as much, it needs to be done. That day Lori told me I was falling in love with him, hit me like a bus. Being with Lindsey feels amazing but being labeled a cheater is out of the question for me. Sure, Ray isn't the best husband but I'm sure I'm not the best wife either. I can be negative sometimes, I sleep too late, I'm clumsy enough to mix colors with whites in the washing machine, Ray has his faults but he's never considered infidelity. As horrible as it sounds... I wish I had just met Lindsey earlier in life. I wouldn't have to spare mine or Rays feelings. I could just be with Lindsey and Ray would've ended up with a woman who doesn't mind staying home all day or cooking and cleaning for him 25/8, someone who gives him sex whenever he wants, someone who doesn't mind being in a relationship with money instead of her husband. She sounds more like a robot but whatever. Oh how I wish I was that woman. I wish I could change myself so it'd be easier.
"Hey babe,"
Ray comes into our sun room, where I reside, and kisses my cheek
"Hey" I give him a pleasant smile.
"Lori and Chris are coming for dinner, that's okay right?"
"Well I only set out enough meat for just us two..."
I sigh
"But, I'm sure I could make it work"
"Ah, you're the best" he pats my shoulder.
"What's up?"
He usually never lingers around much so I'm sure he has something else in mind.
"I was thinking... what if we renewed our vows?"
My mouth falls open slightly and I'm caught blindsided. Renewing our vows seems so... wrong.
"Why?"
He looks at me like I'm speaking another language
"Well why not?"
He starts getting defensive.
I quickly try and get back on good terms with him
"I mean, it's just a lot of work. A whole ceremony and invitations and outfits..."
"Well we have the money, you don't need to worry about that"
He smiles sweetly and I do the same but on the inside my stomach is twisting up.
-
"This is so good"
Chris mutters with his mouth fool of mashed potatoes
"Thank you"
I chuckle while I make sure to serve him more.
"Stevie do you wanna go down to the beach after dinner?"
Christopher looks back up from his plate
"Why do you wanna go down there?"
Lori and I look at him in amusement. He's already a protective papa.
"Honey it's sand. I won't get hurt."
She pats the back of his hand and he calms down.
"So... Stevie and I were talking about getting our vows renewed" Ray announces. We talked about it once and now it's official?
"Oh really?"
Lori looks on skeptically. I nudge her knee under the table.
"Yes and obviously I'd like you two to be there."
"Free booze? I'm there" Chris adds in.
We all laugh in unison to his response and carry dinner on with light chatter.
-
"So vow renewal, huh?"
I roll my eyes at the thought.
"I suppose so"
I put on a fake smile as we continue our walk down the sound.
"Steves what's going on?"
"What do you mean?" I ask dryly.
"Lindsey? Vow renewal? Let me in. I'm your best friend and I feel just as shut out as Ray. I'm not him. I'm Lori, I've been with you through the toughest of times"
I sigh and show her to sit down with me.
"I'm lost. So lost."
"Okay well let's start off slow"
"Okay.... I'm done with Lindsey"
"Done? How?"
"I've totally shut him out. I can't be a cheater"
"You're not happy about it though"
I heavily sigh once again.
"I don't know what to do, my heart is telling me I want Lindsey but my mind is telling me no. I'm trying to take this on logically."
We're both silent for a few minutes, I'm not looking for any real answers because what does one say in this situation?
"I think deep down you already know what to do"
"I know what I want to do, but not everyone gets what they want and that's life"
" everyone wants to find someone to love but not everyone finds someone they can fall in love with. You've found him Steph it's all up to you if you'll sacrifice something else to get what you truly desire"
