The phone rings and this time I know I have to pick it up. He's going crazy. Ray is out buying liquor right now so I don't have to be secretive.
"Steph?"
"Yes"
"Why the hell haven't you been answering me? Seeing me? You've completely cut me off! Did I do something to upset you? I mean... I thought our little get away was nice, then you completely ditch me"
My heart is throbbing because I know what's to come next
"Linds it's not you-"
"No. Don't do it Stevie plea-"
I cut him off trying to breeze through it as dry as possible. I can't make it harder than necessary.
"Lindsey I can't see you anymore"
My voice begins to break and I'm struggling so hard to keep it together
"I think it's best if we go our own way, I'm married and you deserve to find someone who isn't already taken."
"I love you Steph please don't do this"
He's crying, I can tell.
"Don't you love me?"
His voice comes off in a broken whisper.
"I do. I did. I can't Linds. Good bye"
I hang up and as soon as the phone is back on the receiver I dissolve into tears. My chest literally hurts. Time will wound my heals I tell myself. I know I love Lindsey but I just can't leave Ray. I'm not in love with him but I do love him. I couldn't hurt him like that, betray him. He's done so much for me. 12 years... I'm too afraid. Things are so easy and so amazing with Lindsey, on top of the world but how could I be sure it'd last? I'm simply too afraid to end my marriage and these thoughts are eating away at me.
-
The next few weeks drag on for me and I find myself getting yelled at by Ray for "moping around" more than once. He's never seen me like this before. I can probably count on one hand how many times he's seen me cry. Sad movies don't count. I usually wait until I'm taking a shower to cry so he can't hear me. He continues to blame my behavior on menopause. I may be 42 and I'm probably heading that way soon but I'm not there yet. I give myself a good 10 years, my mom didn't start until she was 55. We leave to head back home in about three weeks and I don't know how to feel. I won't see Lindsey until next summer... a whole year practically. I only see him through the windows of my bedroom. I watch him pluck out weeds and mow the yard. I watch his tan, tone, strong arms and I remember what they feel like wrapped around me...it hurts so much that I tend to just take depression naps most of the time. I make sure to tend to Ray in between these naps of course. He's totally spazzing out.
"Why have you been sleeping so much?"
"I didn't know menopause worked this way"
"Do I have to do my own laundry?"
"Are we still having dinner tonight?"
"Would you mind if I went out with Chris since you're just gonna be sleeping?"
My vocabulary consists of
"Yes"
"No"
"Okay honey"
"I promise I'll get to it soon"
"I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well"
Which is true... I don't feel well. My heart hurts. I'm constantly riddled with anxiety. eat. I can definitely sleep, but we've established that. I'm so fucked up that I find my self literally getting sick to my stomach. Thankfully it's not every day but it definitely is every other day. Everything makes me nauseous. I just don't know what to do anymore...I want him back but I can't. I'm sure he'll get over me anyways. He's a gorgeous man and he could get any woman he'd like. Why do things have to be so difficult?
Sorry that Stevie's internal conflict seems to be going back and forth and it's a bit repetitive but I feel like this is actually what it'd be like In this situation for Stevie if she ever had to go through it.
