"Stop spazzing. They're gonna be happy to see you"
"Chris you don't understand"
"No you don't," he parks the car in front of my parents home and faces me
"I know you're all freaked out because you feel guilty for practically shunning them, but they're gonna be so happy they have you back. Sure, they're gonna tell you how hurt they were most likely but they're gonna put everything aside to just be with you. You know mom and dad."
I hesitantly nod my head and gulp.
Chris and I both get out of the car and head towards the door. The house seems so much smaller to me than it used to. Everything seems familiar but new all at once. I notice the crack in the stone path, the frayed rope swing hanging from the tree, my mothers muddy green boots she used every weekend to garden. I take in everything I've missed for the past few years. I come back to reality when the door creaks open.
My mother looks smaller than the last time I seen her she looks at me then my brother then back again and pulls her fist up to her mouth. Tears escape her eyes and she pulls me into a hug
"TeeDee!" She sniffles then pulls back to eye me again
"You're back honey"
I smile and nod my head trying not to cry also.
She pulls me by the hand inside and Chris follows.
"Jess! Get in here!" She yells frantically.
My father comes running to the living room expecting my mother to have fallen or gotten hurt the way she's yelling. Chris is grinning knowing just how much my parents have missed me. My father approaches me and wraps me in his arms
"Hi daddy," I whisper to keep my voice from cracking. Seeing them so happy to see me that they're brought to tears just makes me angrier with myself for leaving them behind all because I cared more about what Ray thought than I cared for my family.
-
"Your room is all clean and I put new sheets down for you"
"Thank you mom. Dinner was amazing"
I hate how formal this all sounds. None of us really approached the elephant in the room but I feel now is the best time.
"Do you wanna talk?" I ask inquisitively
She nods her head and we sit at the end of my bed in my childhood room that's littered with posters of the Mamas & Papas, the Carpenters and Led Zeppelin. My sheets a girly pink and my dresser littered with candles, incense and my record player. It makes me happy that they didn't touch anything.
"Where do you want to start?" I sigh
"Just tell me the truth baby. Tell me what happened to us" she motions to her then me with her index finger.
"I'm so sorry momma" I put my palm up to my face and shake my head
"I didn't mean for this to happen. I was weak am weak.. I don't know. I just wanted to please Ray, I know I shouldn't have put him before you guys, I know. I was consumed with pleasing him. With having that "perfect" marriage. He always nagged me about how my family was toxic to our marriage and I was stupid to listen to him! I'm so so so sorry. I don't expect you to understand. I don't even understand why I listened to him either" I look down ashamed and quickly try to wipe away the downpour of my tears. She lifts my chin with her fingers and kisses my cheek, cleaning up the mascara under my eye with her thumb.
" I'm just happy you're back baby. I'm not gonna lie, You hurt me. But I'm not resentful. You thought you knew what was right and it's hard to have a level head when you have someone like him telling you one thing and you feel something completely different. You were conflicted and were just trying to make your husband happy."
"I left him yesterday" I say with a gravelly voice
"Well... I would assume so. You've never come to your momma without notice unless it was important" we both share a laugh and I nod.
"When did this happen? How?"
"I just... it all happened so quick. It was yesterday. We were in Italy and he wanted to leave and- you won't understand. I just went off on him though. For everything. He was terrible. I couldn't stay any longer"
"Make me understand. I'm not upset TeeDee. As long as you find happiness, do what's necessary. I know you wanted your first marriage to be your one and only, you've wanted the perfect love since you were a child but sometimes it doesn't work out that way and that's okay"
" I was- am having an affair. Well I guess you can't call it that now. But it's not like that mom, I love him"
She pulls my hand into her laps and strokes the top of my hand
"You do?"
"I do." I nod my head
"I really really do"
I smile thinking about him.
"Can I- We meet him? Your father and I?"
" I'm sure that could happen. I don't want him scared off though! So tell daddy to get rid of his shotgun in the garage"
