I walk over to the man ignoring Ray's harsh gaze. I follow him to a telephone and as soon as I pick up Lori is blaring into the opposite end.
"Stevie! How does he know where I live?! He's going nuts! He won't stop banging at the door!"
"Wait who? Lori?" It's hard to understand her as she's having a completely different conversation with who I can only assume is Christopher.
"Lindsey!" My heart aches all over again and anxiety rushes in.
"I- I have no idea," I'm in complete shock as they probably are too
"He refuses to leave, he's begging us for your location" I can hear the faint sound of Lindsey banging on their door and I feel sorry that they're dragged into this. I also feel terrible that Lori has to explain why Lindsey- my gardener is looking for me because before this, Chris had no idea.
"I don't know what to do," tears start to prick at the back of my eyes and it's all becoming too much.
"Well Chris is arguing with him right now but he won't back down. He keeps saying he needs to see you, to know you're okay."
I clench my fist and bring it up to my mouth sinking my teeth into the flesh trying to decide what to do, I turn around directing my eyes towards Ray who's messing around with a client file and a large glass of scotch. Crazy how he can just switch his mood the way he does. Total 360. When did this become the usual for me? How did I let our marriage slip this far ?
-
April 1978
I stood up until 3 a.m. last night on the phone with Ray. This man drives me crazy (in a good way). I don't understand how he changed so much. I first met him when I was waiting. He would come in almost everyday with his colleagues. He didn't notice me much and I didn't pay attention to him besides the fact that he came in frequently and I already knew what he was going to order before he even said it. All of a sudden he started leaving me an outrageous amount of tips. And with those tips he always left his number. I didn't actually call him until the sixth time he left it! I always believed in love at first sight. I didn't get that with him but I told myself it was just fairytale talk. We've been going out for months now so I know I did the right thing. He's so kind to me and he's always coming home with flowers. Our relationship is stable and that's exactly what I need. I'm 30 years old, my parents want me to settle down and that's what I believe is best too. I don't have to work at that diner anymore so of course that's a plus! In the couple of months we've been dating he's already taken me out of the country three times. It's always an adventure with him and I love it.
-
July 1983
As I sit at a table with Ray and his friends, I find myself a bit confused with the conversation. The men are talking about their clients and the latest collection of sports cars and the ladies on my side of the table are talking about rockstars they're currently swooning over, for once I find their conversation a little bit appealing since I love music- except they're not talking about the music, they're talking about the object dangling between these guys' legs. This topic is much better then the normal one though. Usually they all converse about the latest fad diet they're on or how they're trying for children. Ray and I have decided against having children and that always baffles the ladies. I always pictured myself as a mother but Ray convinced me it wasn't best and I'm sure he's right, so it's okay. We've just bought a new house that just happens to be further away from my parents. To my dismay Ray and my family have never really gotten along. My mother was happy for me when we got married back in '78 but I could also tell she had an eerie feeling about it all. Ray sensed it also, even though she was always polite to him. so he told me it'd be best if we went 'our own way' and bought a house elsewhere so we could 'thrive on our own'. My mother and I used to talk almost every night, it's been limited to only twice a week... that's okay though. I just miss her. Ray promises me we'll visit soon. I trust him.
-
February 1988
Last night I ran into some friends back from High School. Ray took me out to dinner at his favorite restaurant and he even let me pick out a new dress for the occasion. He told me he had received a large raise, so he wanted to celebrate. My two friends Tina and Dave have been dating for forever. Literally. Since 9th grade. Wild. They're so in love, you can see it, you can feel it. To prove that love they have three beautiful girls. Bless them, that's a lot of hormones to deal with when they become teenagers. Nonetheless I'm so happy for them. I was hoping they'd be able to join us at the dinner table but Ray pinched my elbow. A way of saying 'No Stevie, stupid idea' so we bid our goodbyes exchanged phone numbers and that was it.
Once we got home I cleaned Ray's office, made him lunch for tomorrow (he hates take out food) and then did laundry. Just the usual. Quite boring, but at least I have a mani-pedi day with Sharon and Lori tomorrow!
It's been around a month since I've talked to my family. Mom and I got in an argument, I said something I shouldn't have and Dad totally went off on me. It all started when she decided to bring up my marriage.
'He shouldn't treat you like that'
'You seem unhappy'
'That's manipulative'
And quite frankly I told her to mind her own business and I ended up telling her to call me when she stops lecturing me about my relationship...
—
I was so blind... I've been so blind. I don't know who I've become. I'm not Stevie and honestly, I haven't been in a long, long time. There's always been a way for me to end this pain and it's much easier than I'd like to think. Divorce. It happens all the time, so why have I found it so excruciatingly scary?
Is this still interesting at all??😂
