Later that night around 2 a.m. I get up after tossing and turning for hours. I walk down to the living room and pick up the phone. He's probably asleep right now but he has to know.
"Hello?"
He answers groggily on the fourth ring.
"Linds-"
"Stevie?!" His voice is alert now
"How are you?! You were in the hospital, did he fucking hurt you?!"
"Linds it's not important right now. I have to tell you something-"
I don't plan on telling him about the baby. Or Ray. There's no point in revealing it when I know I can't keep this loved one. Just another heartbreak I have to go through when there's no longer a being in my womb.
"It's very important! Are you okay?!"
"Just a few bruises, please stop Linds I need to speak to you"
"What is it? What's wrong?"
His voice becomes dark.
"I'm- I'm leaving" my voice breaks.
"You're what?"
"Ray-he wants to leave"
"You're still fucking with him?! Stevie- god, I hate how you don't realize how bad he treats you. You don't deserve this!"
"Lindsey i don't know what to do!" I say exasperated
"leave him..."
"Wha-"
"Leave him," he cuts me off
"I can't just leave him"
"Yes you can you're just afraid."
"Lindsey you don't want me, trust me."
"Will you stop putting yourself down! I fucking love you! I'm in love with you... you're everything to me. Everything I've ever wanted. You let him treat you like shit, I know you believe he's a good guy but he isn't, I know you want to believe this is just some rough patch in your marriage but you know it isn't. When are you going to start choosing your own happiness over his? You can't honestly tell me he's who you imagine being with for the rest of your life? Stevie, I'm not even begging you to be with me, I just can't deal with the thought of you waking up and going to bed each day, feeling worthless because of that piece of shit. I just want to know you're happy."
The tears are freely flowing down my face and I want him so bad...
"I'm leaving at 10 tomorrow, it's been decided... I- I" I begin to choke up again.
"I love you linds, I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger" I hang the phone up and sit on the couch consumed by my thoughts.
-
When Ray wakes up and makes his way down to the kitchen I'm still sitting in the same spot on the couch, nursing a mug of coffee.
"Stevie?" He snaps his fingers in front of my face and I suddenly come out of the same thoughts that have consumed my mind all night.
"Hmm??" I half smirk at him
"No breakfast?" He lightly chuckles
"Oh, I must've lost track of time.. I'll get started"
He picks up the newspaper and kisses my cheek. The butter on the pan pops as I toss down cut up pieces of potato.
" do you have your bags packed?" Ray asks between sips of his coffee.
"Uh.. no. I'll be quick though, once the food's done"
I wonder what he has planned as in totally leaving Italy. He has no intentions of coming back, I just don't feel good about this. I feel so much at once to the point I'm numb, that's the best way I can explain.
"God, where are you today?"
He reaches over my hands and pulls the toast out of the toaster.
"Huh?"
"You've been watching the toast for like a minute" he laughs then butters the bread.
"Sorry.. I didn't get much sleep last night,"
"It's fine,"
"Well I'm gonna go pack"
My mind is at full speed and it's obvious I'm not in the present but he doesn't mind; as usual.
-
When we arrive to the jet, our luggage still hasn't been transferred so we're waiting for that and they have to check all the technical stuff and what not. Ray doesn't mind as he's chatting up a storm with the pilot.
The weather today reflects my mood,
It rains fast- hard,
The wind is so strong it feels like it could just blow right through me and I wish it could... it would tear me apart. As the rain falls down and trickles across the window, I hear rolls of thunder.
My mind traces back to those few days of paradise with Lindsey...
Making love while the sun was fading out
I couldn't have been more over the moon with him. Everything changed, the mountains grew tall, the mists that followed in the nights rushed in. I remember it all. I wish I could just let myself fall. I'm so lost in thought that I don't even wipe away the tears that fall down my face.
"You okay?" Ray examines me
"No, no I'm not okay Ray. Are you that dense?!"
"Woah why are you blowing up on me? I just want to see if you're okay"
I laugh without humor.
"You don't care! You don't fucking care! If you cared you'd want me to be happy.."
"What are you even fucking talking about Stevie?!" His face grows red and I'm sure mine is too.
"I'm done lying... lying to you, lying to myself. I can't take this any more. How much more must I give to you for you to actually start giving back to me?" I run my fingers under my eyes wiping off the tears although it's no use.
"I give you everything Stevie! I work and work and work. I buy you all the shit you want, I pay for your fucking lavish lifestyle!"
"That's all materialistic! I mean love. For god fucking sake, how do you not see that you and I are nothing"
A shooting pain crosses my cheek as Ray slaps me. He promised he wouldn't hit me again...
Another man clears his throat in the door way, I'm not sure how long he's been standing there but he's definitely uncomfortable.
"I- um. Im sorry sir, there's a call for a Miss Nicks, it's urgent"
