The Struggles and Confessions of a Military Girlfriend.

Day 3.

Wednesday May 8th, 2018
8:56 am
My first day at my new job. I'm excited yet nervous. I was rushing and so did something very stupid. I left my lunch. I mean Hello! Stupid you kind of needed that. Something feels off about today but I'm unsure of what it is. Hopefully by the time I get to work I can shake it off. Who knows? This could be the start of a whole new life for me. Anyways I gotta go! Talk soon.
4:06 pm
It's been hours and I'm happy to report that my day went well. Although I still have a bad feeling I'm sure it's nothing. I though am stupid. You would think a girl who knows the rules would think more clearly about things but did I? Most definitely not. God I feel so stupid. It's an obvious thing too! Like Hello! That's a total no no!! Anyways it's with a heavy heart and lots of fucking tears that i have made the dreadful decision of not wearing my boyfriend's dog tag anymore. The chain is so short and it seems to almost always be popping out of my shirt and i stupidly forget to keep it hidden.
Update. I feel naked. If i felt alone before I most definitely feel even more alone now. The tears just won't stop. I feel sick. I came home from work happy and excited and now I feel like complete and utter shit. I'm sitting in the shower not a bath but the shower letting cold water hit my skin. Why? Because it numbs me. It numbs the pain and sickening feeling. It numbs the fact that i feel like throwing up. It numbs me and stops the tears. Perhaps I should stay in here forever so I dont have to feel a damn thing. He hasn't even fucking left yet and already I feel so lost! I feel like a failure. And like suddenly my worst fear has come true. I've become a disappointment. I just want to do things that i promised I would do. So instead I sit in this freezing cold shower the knob to turn the water hot completely off. I dont want to feel anything. Not a damn thing. I'm going ghost. I dont want to talk to anyone. I'm sitting in this shower until my body goes completely numb and then I'll get out and go lay in my bed. I'm taking cookie dough (My giant ass teddy bear he gave me) and Empire (stuffed lion he gave me) and I'm putting them away. Along with his rings his t-shirts and everything else. It hurts but if rather be stripped bare. I'd rather suffer. It's my fault anyways. I was too stupid to not focus. I dont deserve to be able to have those things near me. I feel like a boulder crushed my heart and then an elephant came and dropped the world on it just to make sure it was shattered. Maybe after awhile I won't feel it any of it. Maybe you think I'm being over dramatic but you don't know him like I do. He's never talked to me the way he did. It's my own fault I mean I know that but honestly it hurts. You ever look upto people and you would do anything, anything, to get there approval or even for them just to notice you? And then you find out your not good enough or maybe you did something wrong and now they're just disappointed? They have no idea the aftermath that those simple words or actions have on you. Maybe they just didn't know. But when they do and still it happens it hurts so much more. It's like someone reached down your throat and ripped out your heart squeezing it until it burst. Until it exploded and you no longer needed air because you were dead. That's how I felt. Dead inside. All I wanted was to do anything I possibly could to numb this.
How do I crawl out of this tub knowing very well that I'll start feeling stuff again? I'm frozen stiff.
11:33 pm
It's been a long day. My emotions have gone haywire. He knows how to make me feel better. He knows what to say to bring me back to light. My head feels like it's going to explode. The insanity of it all is that I don't know what to do. My emotions are so up and down. My level of sensitivity has shot through the sky. I feel as though everything can make me snap or cry. I range from angry to extremely emotional. Yet I have no clue as to why that is. He makes me feel like warm fresh baked cookies. He reminds me of the softest cotton candy. He makes me feel like I just drank a warm cup of hot chocolate. He reminds me of the sweetest song. I love him in so many ways. I love him in ways words could never express.  If all I can ever do is be with him then if be the happiest girl in the world.
P.S. all of his things are back in my possession and on my body.