The Struggles and Confessions of a Military Girlfriend.

Day 1.

Monday May 7th, 2018
4:37 am.
He drove me home. For awhile we sat in silence. Not one word was uttered between the two of us. The only sound our shaky breathes and the movement of the car. I grabbed his phone with tears brining and plugged in the aux cord. I played two songs before we got to my apartments. My heart was beating so fast and as soon as he put that car in park the dam burst and my tears fell constant and freely. My heart ached and it beat so loudly I could hear the drum of it pounding in my ears. Today was unlike any other day. Today was the day I knew about for months. Today was the day I was supposed to be prepared for and yet the moment it was here all the preparation went right out of the damn window. I wasn't ready to let the love of my life just leave for 7 months and be ok with it. Oh no! My head was telling me I could do this but my heart was screaming at me that I was stupid and that I should grab him and lock him to me so he would have no choice but to take me with him. Believe me when I say that's all I wanted to do. I just wanted to hold him and not let him go. Watching him walk away from me and having to restrain myself from running to him was so hard. Watching his car drive off and not running and begging him to stop and stay with me was so fucking hard. That last kiss was magical. The way his lips formed perfectly with mine. The way that his lips felt like the softest cloud. The taste of his Chapstick. The smell of his cologne and deodorant. The feel of his soft hands holding me closely. The way he tucked me into bed only to have me jump right out. The feel of his shaved head because hey it's protocol. I promised I would try not to spend the whole night in tears and i tried I really did but as soon as I watched the taillights of his car fade away and i could no longer hear his engine I broke. I broke into the inevitable tears. I tried to stop them but it was impossible. The reality of what I had to face was unlike anything else. It was like my wings had been viciously ripped off my back and i was damned to the floor. I suddenly could relate to the scene in the movie Maleficent when she woke up with no wings. The reality of my situation was that i had just let my other half go and i had no choice in it.
2:17 pm.
My morning had been spent on me sleeping. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to get up out of bed. I wanted my loves arms wrapped around me. I wanted to feel his unnatural amount of body heat. I wanted to feel the way his chest moved up and down as he breathes when he was asleep. I wanted to listen to his heartbeat as he played with my hair. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his beautiful smile. I had thought when the day would come where I had to say see you later I would be ready. That day came and all that preparation went straight out of the damn window. My love was in his last few days here in the US and he was prepping to leave on a 7 month deployment. I have hopes. I keep telling myself that maybe I would be ok. That he will go and he will have fun and at the end of the day we would be ok. Maybe my summer escape to Colorado would keep my head in the sun and out if the dark. Maybe my last few weeks of college would keep me busy enough not to think about him so much. Maybe the constant chaos of my family would keep me in a certain state of mind. Maybe just maybe we would get to the end in no time at all.
5:03 pm.
I told him. About this. This book. This story of mine. Maybe I should give him the link. That way he can see what goes on in my head while he's gone. But then he'll worry. Anyways to clear my mind I have decided to take a bath. And eat pineapples while I'm in there. Write in here some more. In a sense I feel like a total hypocrite. Completely upset because he is leaving and yet when he returns it'll be my turn to leave. You know because I'm joining the military as well. Am I stupid because I want to do that? Am I dumb because im getting that he's gone only for me to turn around and do the same? Maybe I am who knows. The thing is though I dont feel stupid. I feel lonely. I feel lost. Ugh why is this so fucking hard!?
11:22 pm.
My heart aches and my chest hurts. My stomach is in my throat. My head is pounding. My defenses are already up. I've talked to him today but that won't be the same everyday. I won't get to talk yo him everyday and that is a reality I'm not ready to face.
       My love if you read this I love you. You're not fully gone yet and i miss you. You're still in the same state the same country the same time zone and i miss you. I miss everything about you. Much love your girlfriend
XOXO ❤