Crankgameplays Imagines

Hazel Eyes

TRIGGER WARNING: implications of domestic abuse.

~ Your POV ~

Staring down at the waves crashing beneath you, the only thing you can feel is the cold night breeze caressing your skin, whispering to you to encourage you further, but right now, such encouragement is completely unnecessary. You dont need to be encouraged to do this. Your hands loosen around the bridge railing behind you, and the bridge ledge at your feet digs into your heels, as your feet perfectly frame the murky abyss of the ocean below you. The distance between your place on the bridge and the ocean beneath you is not something you can decipher, except to say that it is substantial. Your face remains expressionless as you stare down at the cascading water that calls to you, your mind telling you the exact same thing. Just let go.

That's all you've ever wanted to, since you were a teenager, you've just wanted to be free from your own mind. The dark thoughts, the lack of energy, the crippling social anxiety, the fear of people looking at you for a second to long because the thought of a person having any kind of interest in you leaves you terrified. When these thoughts first started, you thought it was normal and that you'd grow out of it, that's what you were told when you opened up to people, every teenager goes through rough times, it's just your hormones, you'll be alright. But as you got older, the thoughts got worse, more isolating, and you stopped telling people what was going on inside your head, because you knew if you kept opening up to people, they'd be scared away. Not that you'd blame them, you're a monster, they should run away from you.

Instead of scaring them, for so many years, you put on a happy facade, and you couldnt believe how quickly your family and friend's moods improved upon seeing you "happy". The moment their moods began to change, you were locked in your facade around them, nothing could break it and nothing would, because you wouldnt allow yourself to hurt them or make them worry about you. They shouldnt waste their time.

In doing so, that obviously made your mental state worse, because you had nobody to turn to, and even if you did, you would never ask someone for advice, for help. People are too kind, they care too much, and if they find out that you're not happy, they want to help. You cant handle that, you refuse to be such a burden to people. You thought that as long as it only affected you, you'd live with it and everything would be alright, but you were wrong.

Even living is an exaggeration, you're barely surviving. You dont understand why you cant be as happy as the people around you, or just be happy with the roof over your head, the food on your plate, the money in your pocket. It's not that you're ungrateful, but those things dont change whatever is going on inside your head. You havent even gone to a doctor for a diagnosis, because that would require opening up to someone, and you're physically incapable of doing that.

The wind blows your hair in front of your face, bringing you back to reality, facing the waves once again. You cant look away from them, you cant bring yourself to even glance at the world around you ever again. This is the only conclusion to your story. Nobody will miss you, all anyone knows you as is a lie, they know a happy girl walking around in your skin, a girl who looks exactly like you, but she smiles, she laughs, she lives. You're not meant to do that. If you could ever be the girl everyone sees you as, you'd have some reason to stay and strive for that, but you dont. She's the girl everyone loves, she's the one people will miss, she's the one who's life will be celebrated. You, will be forgotten, as the only person to ever really know you was yourself, and once you disappear, that takes the burden of your miserable existence out of the equation completely.
"Please dont give up."
You close your eyes and shake your head, there's nobody there, this is just your last brain cell fighting to convince you to keep living, because your body has more of an urge to live than your mind does.
"You dont have to talk, but please, just listen."
The voice your brain has conjured up is soft, sweet, and belongs to some guy you dont recognise. You decide to let him say his piece, because you know it isnt going to change your mind.
"This is not a solution to your problems, this wont solve anything, by doing this, all you're doing is eliminating the chance of things ever getting better. You have no idea what the future could hold for you, who you're going to meet, whether you're going to fall in love, have kids, have the chance to travel the world, even go into space! There's endless possibilities, and so much hope that you just cant see, but you will." There's so much passion in his words, you want to listen to him, and despite your best efforts, you cant even try to fight the urge to listen to him.
You open your eyes and stare back down at the waves "Im not capable of any of that."
The voice speaks up to question you with a gentle tone "Why?"
You smile sadly "If I was capable of feeling or receiving love, I wouldnt be standing here. No matter how close I am with someone, I feel nothing, and no matter how many people tell me they love me, it doesnt change anything. Marriage isnt an option, I wouldnt push the burden of marrying me onto anyone, and children dont want a mother that cant even take care of herself."
The voice sounds closer when he replies "But that's just how you feel now! There's no reason why tomorrow wont be the day that things start to get better, there's no reason why you cant feel better than this over time. Even if it takes years, in the end it'll be worth it. You've hit rock bottom, the only place you can go from here is up, unless you dont give yourself the chance to experience that."
You shake your head "Doesnt change the fact Im incapable of feeling any kind of love from anyone. What sort of life can I live without being able to feel love?"
He sounds like he's talking from beside you now "When you meet the right person, you wont be able to stop yourself falling in love, and they wont be able to stop themselves falling in love with you. Love is a ridiculously powerful thing, it always comes into you life one way or another. You are loved, and just because you dont feel that yet, doesnt mean that you arent."
You hear the waves calling out to you again "Nobody knows me, nobody sees me, I hide this all the time because I cant hurt or worry another person. It's not me that they love, it's the fake happiness I show them."
His voice is careful, almost fearful "I know you, I can see you."
You shake your head again, unable to tear your gaze from the abyss "You're not real, you're a figment of my imagination that's trying to convince me to stay."
He speaks from beside you again "Look at me."
Rather than attempting to argue with your mind any longer, you decide to kill this illusion as quickly as you can, and you look to your side, expecting to see the empty street, but that's not what you see at all. Your eyes immediately fill with tears as your gaze fixes on the man standing beside you, with slightly messy brown hair and glasses, a concerned expression on his face.
"Earlier, you said that you're incapable of feeling love for anyone, but someone who goes out of their way to pretend to be happy in order to prevent others worrying about them, does not sound like someone who is incapable of love."
You stare at him like a deer in headlights, watching in shock as his lips move with his words, further proving that he really is there, and he is speaking to you.
"Y-You're real?" Your voice is timid and shaky as you question him.
He nods "My name is Ethan, can you tell me yours?"
Your eyes are glued to the sight of him, you cant believe he's there "(Y/N)." You change the subject "Why arent you running away from me?"
Ethan raises an eyebrow "Why would I run away from you?"
Your gaze flickers between his face and the bridge railing "Im a monster, Ethan, if people saw me like this, they'd run away."
Ethan smiles slightly "Well, I can see you as you are right now, and Im staying right here."
You look back up at him "Why?"
Ethan gives you the most sincere expression you've ever seen "Because I care about you, and after finding out you're under the impression that nobody else does, Im determined to prove to you that you arent the monster you see yourself as. If you let me, I can find you the help you need, I'll find a highly qualified therapist and arrange doctor's appointments and do whatever I can myself to help you. If you need a place to stay or escape from people around you for a while, you're welcome to stay with me and my roommate Kathryn. I want to show you that life is worth living."
Tears slip down your cheeks, creating warm trails on your skin "Wh-Why would you do all of that for me?"
Ethan smiles warmly at you "Because I can see you."
You ponder this for a moment, switching glances between the ocean and Ethan. In an instant, you climb back over the railing and hug him. His body is tense with surprise at first, but he quickly relaxes and wraps his arms around you.
"What made you change your mind?" Ethan asks quietly.
You pull away from him a little to give him a small smile "Hazel is a prettier colour than the ocean."