Crankgameplays Imagines

Depression

Based on true events (just, unfortunately, when these events occur irl, the only comfort available to me is youtube videos).

~ Your POV ~

Your eyes drift open, and you're greeted by an instantaneous headache, the pressure in your head making you feel like there's some incredible weight crushing your skull. Your entire body aches with the weight of...what, exactly? You dont know, but you know that it's there. Your head feels like it's full of noise, loud indecipherable murmuring that used to be irritating to you, but now you're used to it. Focussing your gaze on the ceiling above you, your mind drifts away into nothing. If it werent for your body feeling weighed down into this bed, you'd be convinced your body was floating away somewhere. This room, this place doesnt feel secure. Is this a dream? You cant tell anymore. Zoning out often is a common occurrence for you now, but unlike most people, you dont daydream of anything, you just drift away, sometimes for a few seconds, sometimes for up to an hour. You dont understand how time passes so differently on days like this.

Despite getting a full night's sleep, you're completely exhausted. Your thoughts are being particularly cruel today, and because you cant physically bring yourself to move, you're stuck in bed, forced to sit through the things they have to say, unable to distract yourself with anything else. Today is going to be rough, but that's nothing new.

Using all of your strength, you roll onto your side, with your back facing your door. You're not sure why you did that. Usually, your shift in position is a sign of discomfort or pain from being in the same position too long, but you dont feel that pain today. You dont feel anything. You cant feel anything. It's all so confusing, and no matter how many times you try to figure out a way to describe what's going on in your head, you just cant. How do you describe something that is the exact same every time, but simultaneously ever changing? You can always tell when it's one of your worst days, but it can hit at different moments, it can change in severity or feeling, yet it always affects you in near enough the same way. How can you put words to the deafening noise inside your head, when there actually isnt any sound you can detect at all? You cant hear anything, there is no noise, but your ears and your head are responding as though you're at the loudest concert in existence, with speakers just inches away from both of your ears. How can you even begin to describe the feeling of your own body weighing down? Feeling like you're trapped so deep inside your own shell of a body that you cant feel anything that touches you, your brain isnt reacting to correctly to anything that should stimulate emotions, it's all so far out of reach. How can you express laying perfectly still, but feeling like you're floating away, completely out of your own control? These thoughts and lack of feelings used to scare you, terrify you, in fact, but after some time, you just got used to them.

You're brought back to reality by the sensation of a soft hand, gently shaking your shoulder, as if trying to wake you. It takes your brain a moment to kick in, and as soon as it does, a quiet voice reaches your ears.
"Baby, wake up, it's the middle of the afternoon!" He sounds slightly amused, as you would be too, if his statement was correct in anyway.
Ethan. A new feeling envelopes you in it's purple claws, forcing you to face what you've done. Guilt. It twist inside your stomach and makes you acutely aware of just how dry your throat is. He shouldnt have to see you like this. He shouldnt be exposed to you when you're like this. He deserves better, so much better, so much more than what you can offer him. Your own need for him makes the guilt worse, and you wish more than anything that you had been sleeping as he first thought, because the reality of the situation is just going to hurt him.
With a sigh, Ethan crawls over you and lies down beside you, and when he realises you're awake, his eyes widen. He hurries to brush the tears off your face, tears that had fallen without your knowledge or consent. Without saying anything else, Ethan wraps his arms around you and pulls you into his chest.
"Have you been like this all day?" He asks quietly, and you nod into his shirt.
Ethan sighs again, but this one is filled with his own guilt. He's regretting the fact he didnt come to check on you sooner, but how was he to know that you were having a bad day today?
"So you havent eaten or drank anything?" This next question surprises you, because the thought of food or drink hasnt crossed your mind once.
You shake your head.
Ethan is silent in thought for a moment, before he speaks up again "Ok, here's the plan: I've got the rest of the day off because Kathryn has decided to take on the mother load of editing for tomorrow's videos, so, Im going to spend the rest of the day helping you take care of yourself. Im gonna run you a hot bubble bath, and while you're in there I'll cook you something to eat, then after that we'll cuddle on the couch, because we're not coming back to this pit you've been wallowing in until it's time for sleep, and binge watch some shitty show like Jeremy Kyle or something, does that sound good?"
You can do nothing but nod into his shirt. You cant put into words how much you appreciate what he's doing for you, and how he's not treating you like a baby and doing everything for you, he's allowing you to take care of yourself, but he's helping you get the motivation to do it. Ethan knows you better than anyone at this point, he knows and understands you perfectly, and it's in moments like these that you can really see that. A new feeling bursts in your chest, exploding and flying around you, in shades of pink and red. Using this new feeling to give you strength, you lift your body up slightly to place a soft kiss on Ethan's lips, and as you pull away, you whisper the words that the swirls of blissful pink and red are telling you.

"I love you, Ethan."