Crankgameplays Imagines

- I'm Sorry -

when I started writing this book, it really did feel like the first thing I'd ever written that I thought would never end, and that makes this so, so hard for me to say.

when I truly fell into this wonderful community, I was in my worst depressive episode to date. I had just escaped a mentally and verbally abusive relationship, in which I was controlled and manipulated to the point where I changed myself completely, for the sake of trying to please someone I loved, because who I was just wasnt good enough for them. by the time that relationship ended, I had lost myself entirely, and I was left floating in this perpetual emptiness, with no ambition or passion towards anything or anyone. I saw no point to living a life without feeling, and all I wanted was to disappear from existence, so that everyone who was stupid enough to care about me, would just forget I was ever here, they wouldnt have to miss me, they wouldnt have to hurt.

that was when I found Ethan. the only voice that could break through the thick and silent fog inside my head, the only person that could get through to me, the only one that I couldnt push away like I had done to everyone else in my life. he was there, and he stayed. for a long time, he was the only source of the small amount of happiness I was capable of feeling, he could make me genuinely smile on some days, and that was more than anybody else could. Ethan became the only person I felt that I truly connected to, someone I could rely on, someone I could trust and be safe with. he was my safe place. while he reminded me of all the things I loved, like writing and singing and film; he reminded me of what made me laugh and cry; he taught me how to feel again, all while keeping me safe, and for that, I am eternally grateful to him.

despite my debilitating fear of love and relationships, caused by my previous experiences, I found myself forming feelings towards this man, and who could blame me? the guy who brought me back from the brink, made me feel strong and safe, managed to make me smile when nothing else could, while simultaneously being the most caring, kind, considerate person I had ever known.

you can tell me that I didnt know him, and you would be right. I didnt know the ins and outs of his personality, his entire life story, or even little things like his favourite movie, and perhaps I never will. what I knew, and what I continue to know, is a man who has achieved so much at such a young age, by doing what he loves, for the people he loves. I knew a man who, at times, was the silliest person in the world, but was perfectly capable of holding serious and meaningful one-sided conversation with whoever happened to be watching his videos. I knew a man who had saved my life, both figuratively and literally. I fell in love with the man I felt like I knew.

you can tell me Im an idiot, and again, you would be completely right. falling in love with someone I have never met? yeah, sure. but as much as I hate to admit the fool I was, it was the truth. I had been in love before, and what I felt for Ethan was stronger than that, because of what he helped me become. I liked myself better whenever I was with him, and I thought that I could only be that so long as I had him, I thought I had to depend on him, I had to need him, and despite him rarely being gone I found myself dreading the days when he would be, because I thought I wouldnt be able to cope and I'd lose myself again. but that wasnt true.

Ethan saved me, he picked me up off the ground, gave me a warm smile, and guided me back to the path I had lost sight of. but he didnt need to hold my hand for the rest of the way, because I could see it right in front of me, and he had his own path to live, which, as much as it killed me, did not intertwine with mine.

the stories I wrote here, they were an expression of what my heart felt towards Ethan, and I realised how unhealthy that was when there were rumours rising in the community about Ethan being in a relationship, and I spiralled into a mental breakdown. it felt like my entire life was crashing before my eyes, the walls of safety that he had built me were crumbling around me, and I didnt know what to do. that was my moment of realisation, and now that he has confirmed his relationship, Im so glad I came to terms with it early on, because if this news had come to me out of the blue...I dont know what my unstable, dependent self would have done.

but I worked at it, distanced myself from my feelings towards him, and it was surprisingly easy for me to do, because like I said earlier: I didnt need Ethan to hold my hand for the rest of the way, and it didnt take me long to come to terms with that. he did what he could, he did more than I thought possible, and he got me back on track. but now Im stable on that track all on my own, because Im strong enough to walk alone. and that is why this book is ending.

Im sorry to all of you who had sent requests in, I did try to get them done, but with everything that's been addressed in this, I felt that I wouldnt do your ideas justice.

I will continue to post my other work both here and on my tumblr, Im not disappearing, but this chapter, and this book, is closing.

to all of you, thank you so much for your endless support, I love you, and I hope you've enjoyed reading. my admiration for Ethan and his channel have not changed, Im still an avid viewer and an active member of this community, but I just cant do this part anymore.

and to Ethan, though the chances of you reading this are next to none, thank you for reminding me of who I am.

I love you, and I can let you go now.

- Heather.