Crankgameplays Imagines

Let's Hurt Tonight

~ Your POV ~

The silence in the room is deafening, every second taking an eternity to pass as you wipe away the hot tears trying to escape your eyes. The wall pressed against your back is the only contact grounding you in this situation, without one of your palms flat against the wall behind you, you'd be convinced that nothing around you is real. Not a single aspect of the dimly lit living room, not the thick fog of tension trapping you on this side of the room, and not the view of Ethan standing behind the couch, leaning over slightly with his hands holding the top of the couch, his gaze fixed to the floor. Moments ago, you thought the sound of your arguing was the worst noise you had ever heard, but you were a fool to believe that. There is nothing worse than the silence that has swallowed the atmosphere. The feeling it brings to your stomach is not that of a pit, but a terrifying abyss. And it's all your fault.

You stare at Ethan, broken by his own confusion and concern for you, twisted by your reluctance to just open up to him. If only it were that simple, if only you knew how to collect the chaos in your mind and form it into words, if only you could find a way to send those words so delicately that the sharp edges brought by their meaning didnt cause him any harm when he received them. If only. Unfortunately, you've realised that this dilemma is just that, a situation that, whether you're honest or not, you will hurt him. Of course, you want to be honest with him, but you know that as soon as you are, those hazel eyes will pool with tears that he reserves only for the harm coming to you that he cant fix. How do you even begin to tell him, knowing it could tear Ethan apart? Sealing your own fate by keeping it a secret from him was what you naively believed to be the best and safest thing for him, until he confronted you. Avoiding his gaze, avoiding his questions, and then, avoiding his hands as he reached out to reassure you, that was when you saw what you had been dreading: an expression of hurt washed over your favourite person, his body language resembling that of someone who had been punched in the stomach as he took a step back and held his hands up in a surrendering fashion. That broke you, sent you into a state of hysteria, because of what you had done to him, and you wouldnt let him try to calm you down. Words fell from your lips and you couldnt understand them, while Ethan tried to search you for answers to questions that you just couldnt answer.

And that's how you ended up here, suffocating in silence, a million and one sentences hanging in the air as you try to metaphorically grab them to give to Ethan, but you miss every single one. How did you let it get this far? How could you do this to him? Ethan sighs and stands up straight, running a hand through his hair as he turns around so that his back is facing you, before rubbing his face with his hands. Suddenly, the invisible chains holding your body to the wall drop to the floor with an unheard force, and before you can process what your body is doing, you've run over to Ethan and wrapped your arms around his middle from behind, the side of your face pressing into the back of his sweater.
"Please dont go." Your anxiety take ahold of your speech, and the obscene worries filtering through your mind fall from your lips in three simple words.
Ethan's hands gently wrap around yours, which are interlocked over his stomach.
"Im not going anywhere, is that what this is about?" He asks quietly, his tone gentle as he tries to get some sort of explanation from you.
You shake your head into his back "Not exactly, but it's a side effect."
Ethan nods slowly, and you can tell that he's trying his hardest to understand without you needing to tell him, because he doesnt want to force you to say something that is obviously so difficult for you.
"Can I hold you now?" His question surprises you, and for a moment you wonder why he even felt the need to ask, but then you remember how you avoided his touch earlier.
He wants to make sure you're comfortable, he's being so careful with you, the thoughts seem to come from your heart rather than your head, which nods into his back in response to his question. In an instant, Ethan has turned around in your arms, and wrapped his own around you, resting his chin on top of your head.
"If you dont want to talk about whatever is going on, Im not going to force you. I know you, I know how much you hate telling people about problems you're having, because you dont want to be a burden, but I also know how much it helps you to get things off your chest, and I can promise you, you will never be a burden to me. It's an honour to be loved by someone as strong as you, and it's an even bigger honour to be here for you when you break." Ethan tells you in a soft voice, before placing a kiss on the top of your head.
You sniffle into his chest "Im so sorry, Ethan."
Hearing the sobs trying to break free from your throat, he begins to rub slow circles into your back.
"What're you apologising for baby?" Ethan urges, and you already know that whatever you try to apologise for, he's going to correct you on.
"Im trying so hard not to let it control me, Im trying to keep going as normal and not even address it, because I hoped that it would just go away like it did before. Since meeting you, it has never come back this badly, and before meeting you, whenever it got this bad, I could deal with it on my own, so I thought I could do the same this time, but I cant, I cant do it Ethan. It's using you against me, and I dont know what to do!" You cry, balling your hands into fists, clutching his sweater.
"Let it all out, Im right here." Ethan encourages you, still rubbing circles into your back to calm you down.
"It's like the whole world loses just the tiniest bit of colour, everything is dull and lacking what it was before, and it's because of me, because of this stupid part of me that I know I can fight, but I cant right now. Because the only thing that hasnt lost any colour in my world, is you, you're the brightest part of my life and because of everything else, Im so scared that getting close to you when Im like this, will make you lose your colour too. I dont want to do that to you, I cant do that to you. I want you to stay as bright and as wonderful as you are, but I feel like you wont stay that way if you stay with me, and that kills me!" By now, heaving sobs are racking through your body, causing your small frame to shake within Ethan's warm embrace as he shushes you gently, starting to slowly rock you back and forth in his arms to calm you down further.
Despite Ethan never failing to make you feel better, you still find yourself in a state of shock when he succeeds this time.
"I love you so much, and I couldnt live with myself if I destroyed you." And for a reason that you can only describe as Ethan, your words came out more evenly than they had all evening.
He pulls away from you slightly, just enough to read your face as his hands hold your shoulders carefully, but your chest immediately feels cold upon being pulled away from his.
"What you're going through is not your fault, none of it is, and as hard as that might be for you to believe, you cant blame yourself for this. You amaze me everyday with how strong you are, and today is no exception, you tried to push your depression aside and continue to live your life like nothing had changed, you kept it to yourself for the sake of trying to protect me, and even though you didnt need to, you are ridiculously strong for doing that. Im so proud of you for opening up to me about this, and now that I know what's going on, there isnt anything I wont do to make this better for you. We're in this together (Y/N), we're a team, it's you and me against the world, ok? You're the brightest part of my world too, and if you think Im going to get your light go out, you couldnt be more wrong." Ethan then takes ahold of your left hand. "See this?-" He gestures towards the delicate band on your finger "-This means Im sticking around, for good, and someday, I'll get to say for better or for worse."
A smile breaks across your face as your cheeks flush pink at his words, a light veil covers your eyes and momentarily lets you relive the bliss of the night Ethan proposed, before the metaphorical veil lifts from your eyes and reveals the utterly beautiful sight of Ethan smiling down at you.
"I'll stick around through the worst, and it'll make me more determined to help bring you back to your best." He grins cheesily, and you cant stop yourself from giggling.
"Im the luckiest ever, you know that?"
Ethan chuckles and rests his forehead against yours "Lucky and in love huh? That's a pretty good mix if you ask me."
You shake your head gently "Not lucky and in love, Im lucky because Im in love."
Ethan smirks "Really? Who's the equally lucky guy?"
You roll your eyes and lean up to capture his lips in a tender kiss, your hands still holding fistfuls of his sweater as his find their place on your waist. When you pull away, Ethan brushes a strand of hair behind your ear, and you smile up at him again to answer his question.

"Oh, y'know, just some goof that knows every word to Fergalicious, and makes me smile like nobody else."