Becoming Hers

20

*LEXI'S POV*
I couldn't be in my English Language class any longer. The teacher was going on about something I didn't care about and I couldn't stop shaking, it also felt like I couldn't breathe. I started to panic so that's when I excused myself to the bathroom but walked out of the school instead.

Gracie and Caleb both gave me a look as if they were asking if I was ok. I ignored both glances and just hurried outside. I didn't have anywhere to go though, so I just found a spot on the field, behind a row of trees. It was barley visible from the main buildings so I thought I'd be safe. Away from teachers and security cameras and all of that shit.

I rummaged through my bag, taking out my pencil case and my notebook. I put a pen to the paper waiting for my mind to flood into words.

I do that sometimes when I want to explain my feelings. They don't make sense in my head and I don't know what the fuck is going on up there. I just write down everything I feel and every single thought I have. I've filled quite a few notebooks but I got rid of them when I moved here.

That day was different however, the page stayed empty.

I picked up the pencil case again and I stared at it for a while before emptying the contents onto the grass beside me.

I hunted through the pens and other equipment before finding what I was looking for.

The pencil sharpener.

Next I dug in my bag for the few bobby pins I have. I selected one and simply dismantled the sharpener. I took the blade and chucked the rest back in the pencil case along with everything else.

I didn't even know what I was feeling. I guess I just felt empty like the time before. I wanted to feel something and this was the only thing I could think of.

I dragged the blade against my wrist, pressing down on the scarred skin, that'd previously been cut. I gradually pressed harder causing blood to gush out. It hurt like hell but that didn't stop me from repeating it twice more.

Once I'd finished, I stared intensely at the cuts. Is this seriously all I am? Am I just the scars on my body?

I lifted the sleeves down of my flannel shirt, covering the mess I'd just created.

But the cutting just wasn't enough, I still felt the need to escape my mind. I still had the cigarettes in my bag and I'd gotten a lighter off of the table last night so I didn't have anything to stop me or anyone to tell me not to smoke.

I placed a cigarette in between my lips, lighting the end and breathing in. At first it was too much, I started choking on the smoke and the taste.
But I kept on smoking it, not seeing a reason to stop. After a while I had gotten used to the taste and the way it felt when I breathed in. It tasted disgusting I'm not going to lie but I liked it.

I sucked the smoke deep into my lungs remembering all the smoking warnings I've been told before. By the teachers at school and my dad after he was diagnosed. I held it there, trapped in between my lips. I was thinking how my lungs must hate me for damaging them so badly even after just one cigarette.

"Lexi Jones is that you?"
Oh fuck. I'd been too deep in my thoughts to even check if there was anyone about.

I quickly stubbed out the cigarette then stood up, hoping he hadn't seen what I was doing. I turned around to face Mr Parker, my physics teacher, forgetting completely about my tear stained face.

"What are you doing out here?" He quizzed but I didn't answer him.

"Well where are you meant to be?" He asked me.