Becoming Hers

57

*LEXI'S POV*
Life really was like a rollercoaster, I know it was super cliche, (like Caleb's tattoo) but my life was manic, years ago I would have never thought I'd still be here, it was amazing that I had made it so far. Then when I met Gracie, I had hope, something to grip onto and a reason to live. She showed me what it was like to love someone so badly that I would have done anything for them, I mean at some points she was the only reason I was still holding on, I was literally only living for her. I'd begun to think of the future, our future, and I was enjoying the feeling of being alive.
But then I lost her.

It hurt me knowing that other than Caleb, I had no one, I mean, of course I had Steph and Trin too, but they were at Uni, actually doing something with their lives and I was just living at my friend's parents house working part time at a bookshop.

I was just getting to the point where I was accepting that it was over for Gracie and I, don't get me wrong, I wasn't over my feelings for her but I had just accepted that it wasn't going to change. But then she rang me, then brought up University which made me feel guilty about not being honest with her even though I knew it would have hurt her, then completely blanked me and hung up when I told her that I missed her. She was fucking with my head and I couldn't deal with it any longer. But I guess I deserved it.

Trin came home from university after the third week but not because she didn't like it, she was really enjoying her sports course, but she came home because I was being an idiot. Apparently Steph had rang up Trin and told her what was going on. Due to Trin going to a uni that was only forty-five minutes away, she was instructed to come and talk some sense into me. It was great to know that two of my best mates had been talking about my relationship behind my back. I couldn't be mad at them though, they were only trying to help.

"I'm just going to be real with you right now, you're being a fucking idiot, stop being so selfish man," How was I being selfish? I was doing something for Gracie that was one-hundred-percent not what I wanted. "I know you think that Gracie is better off without you but we've been through this, she loves you, she needs you, and ever since that day she has been so scared whenever you're upset or start to get mad," When Trin said, 'that day' she meant the day I tried to kill myself, "dude she's so in love with you, so why the hell are you pushing her away?"

"I know," I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but it didn't seem to go anywhere, "but it's just, ever since then everything between us has felt so fragile, one wrong thing could blow everything up and I don't want Gracie to feel like she has to refrain herself from doing things because of me,"

"She doesn't feel like that," Trin exclaimed, "Look, I've never seen you this down before, just call her, Lexi it's hurting you too much to stop avoiding your feelings,"

"I can't," I muttered, but the only reason why I couldn't was because I was shit scared of the outcome. I knew I was slowly falling back into old habits, not caring about anything, losing interest in everything around me. Gracie used to make me feel alive and I was so happy when I was with her but I was beginning to feel the way I had leading up to that day at the cliff.

"I don't know what to do," I exhaled loudly, ignoring the rising urge to cry that was building up inside my chest.

"You do though," She replied. The ache in my chest eventually disappeared, but it was replaced with nerves and half-assed butterflies.

Trin was right, I guess deep down I really did know what I had to do.

I was going to tell her that I was wrong before, that we can work it out. If she didn't want to be with me then I'd leave her alone. With the money left from Jackson's house, I would have been able to afford a flat. Maybe Gracie would have reconsidered her choices if I had a place of my own. It was weird that I was living in her guest bedroom and I was ready to live by myself.