bts angst,, book two ✍︎

knj,, first burn

FIRST BURN; namjoon x reader. hamilton based.

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1805

"y/n? you called?" namjoon walked inside the room with a pen in hand. he looked horribe. he have bags under his eyes from working all night, only running on five hours of sleep on a week. he became way too skinny to be healthy, always not eating until he's forced to. his hair was messy from his fingers always ruffling it up. his clothes have wrinkles on it from sitting down and walking around too much. most of all, he looks . . . tired and somehow guilty.

y/n let out a bitter smile when she felt her husband's presence, sitting infront of the fire place with a box next to her. she looked absolutely beautiful with the fire's flames lighting up her face. though, she have dark bags under her eyes as well.

"i . . ." she started, her voice shaking as her bottom lip trembled, " i saved every letter you wrote me. from the moment i saw you, i knew you were mine. you said you were mine . . ."

"y/n . . . " namjoon whispered under his breath, looking worriedly at his wife, their rings shinning brightly at the dim room.

y/n's body tended as she slowly stood up from her spot, dusting off her dress. she let out a pathetic chuckle, "i thought you were mine."

namjoon fell quite as he felt guilt slowly rise up from the bottom of his stomach, making him feel slightly dizzy. he took a step forward, reaching his hand up to touch y/n's shoulder. but his hand got slapped away.

y/n turned to look at the male with a sweet smile yet with a harsh glare, making a shiver run down his spine. "do you know what my brother said? when i told him what you've done?," her eyes darkened, "he said; 'you've married an icarus, he has flown too close to the sun."

namjoon looked down in shame and tried to move one more step forward but was stopped once more.

"don't—" y/n coldly said, keeping her piercing glare, "take another step in my direction. i can't be trusted around you."

now, tears were escaping her beautiful eyes, falling to the carpeted floor and creating a wet spot as she turned to look at the fire place once more, forcing a smile in her face.

namjoon tried to speak up, but y/n knew better than to let him talk.

"don't try to talk you way into my arms," y/n's voice broke into a sob as she recalled their past memories; but that namjoon in the past is now gone—ever since his dearest friend died, he started to push people away, "into my arms . . ."

she sat down on the floor once more, opening up the brown box that was laying beside her, to reveal countless of letters with namjoon's name signed on every single one.

"i'm burning the letters you wrote me, you can stand over there and watch," y/n said as she tossed the papers into the fire, "i don't know who you are. i have so much to learn . . ."

she glanced up to look at the new namjoon, the one who doesn't care about anything else other than his legacy—but there's a small glitch on his face, she can see that old namjoon slowly fading away from him. that bought more tears to stream down her face.

she looked down at the papers in her arms as she reread some of the letters before tossing it to the fire place, watching it burn into nothing, like it never existed."

namjoon looked at y/n with a helpless expression, trying to find the sweet and innocent y/n that he knew—but he knew that she was replaced by a woman who's drowning in hatred, anger, and confusion; just because of him. he fell to his knees, his hands gripping on his hair as he slowly started to slip into his reality.

the letters. the pamphlet. the affair.

"you published the letters she wrote you. you told the whole world how you brought this girl into our bed! just in order for you to clean your name! you have ruined our lives!" y/n screamed as she turned almost too harshly to look at the man, not caring if he's having a breakdown or not. she had enough. she spent years with this man, knowing that everything was a lie, but she continued living with him. why? it's because she actually loves him. she had enough. she's been hiding for years. YEARS, YET HE DIDNT EVEN BOTHERED TO NOTICE.

"only three people knew about your stupid affair! are you really that scared of your enemies?," she looked at the other with such a hateful gaze.

"i heard about whispers . . . i've seen how you look at my sister," y/n whispered, looking at the picture of her and her sister that was framed on the table across the room. she knows everything. she knew how her sister gave namjoon up in order for her to be happy. she knows, "i'm not naive."

"i have seen women around you, don't think i don't see how you make them fall for your charms!" she screamed, throwing a case that was nearby at him, missing on purpose.

y/n let out a small sob as her tears finally stopped, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand.

"i'm erasing myself from the narrative," she whispered with a sad smile.

"no, please . . . " namjoon immediately bolted up, running towards her, developing her in a hug but got pushed away into a wall.

"you blew your shot. you threw it all away! stand back, watch it burn," y/n exclaimed as she hit his chest twice with little power, feeling exhausted from crying the whole day.

"and when the time comes, explain to the children the pain and embarrassment you put their mother through," y/n laughed, running a hand through her hair while shaking her head.

"when will you learn that they are your legacy!? we are your legacy!" she slapped him across the face while using her back hand, before walking to the door, giving him one last look.

"if you thought you were mine—don't."

—

this is horrible

yet i'm crying while writing it.

and it's also past a thousand words lmao.

awkwardking