Words of the Broken and the Lover

T.E.F.I

Finished on: June 17, 2018

A collaboration with Texthusiast

Insecurity, Fear, Emptiness, Tragedy

Insecurity
Of what good old memories could there be? When the eyes is nothing today but a form of treachery? My own eyes or the eyes of my beloved ones. Fairness never really existed wherever the eyes wander there would always be someone above but what of love?

Is there a feeling of deserving? A feeling of a warm welcoming? Is there even that feeling of satisfaction to be in someone’s arms, to be embraced by someone who is truly dear in our hearts? None.  A betterment of life they deserve with people who do better to them than us…than me… I am nothing compared to this person, to that person, to any person. To let go….I wish I could just have one more chance to relive my youth, where nothing but the purest of joy is found. The absence of heartbreak was most beneficial as I just find myself bruised over hours and hours of physical fun. It's when hide and seek isn't something you'd try so hard to find because it lingers in you. It isn't like the classic chase on pavements with your friends because you are simply drowned in desperation. It's just those simple times when you're just you, and the what the world says is as good as anonymous to your recognition.

Fear
Darkness is not where the scariest of things lurks but with the light. Look at that smile so heartwarming and indeed there is a feeling of home. She/he, an angel in disguise, offering me his/her warm hand only to let me go and fall into a void that I never knew was there.

But is it really that? Or is it that hearty atmosphere and you’re holding hands with the beloved of yours and suddenly just like a dream, they suddenly fade and disappear. Just like the fallen leaves during autumn, swept by the wind and will never come back.  I do not really know.

Fearing of losing them or is it fearing that standing strong for them was not enough so they chose to let their spirit leave their body? Or is it fearing that two cannot be in the verge of breakdown so you sacrificed

--- to be the strongest only to find your soul shivering in an unknown world. Confused whether to take another step as someone might come looking and afraid that you’ll regret that you weren’t there when they come; Regret that you had lost the chance of coming home… to your world, to your sanity, to the reality.  But conflicted that what if home was nearby and that you’re just there waiting for nothing and dying in coldness.

Was it like exploring a forest as worthy as hoping to find a rewarding fruit only to find your lost soul entangled in its wickedness? Or is it those creatures to your imagination that simply you believe to have been crawling under you bed? Is it the fear of death, where clearly, the next destination is as ambiguous to overshadow what's said to be assured and promised to be certain  Is fear a suffocating illusion that disables your capacity to be you? Or is it a monster you're trying to run away from with all your life?

Emptiness
Emptiness, how is there a definition that only means null. It's like taking bullets where your body is the shield and yet you're up to no reaction because it simply is numb. It's like shouting through the halls and cliffs where the echoes have no reconsideration to return, it's like writing words that make no point, no meaningful sense, despite trying so hard to create something so beautiful only to mean nothing. It's like asking the world to fill your void but only space itself is available to your demand. It's like having to boast the loudest clamor, only to find yourself deafened by absolute silence. It's like asking for somebody's embrace, only to strike you with the breeze telling you so many times that the only thing that's present is actually absence and the feelings you only have is when you aren’t alone but when in work; when everything is silence you don’t feel anything even yourself.

Tragedy
I am conceived by pain and tears that tragedy seemed nothing but a children’s play. As if missing someone you loved so dearly is like allowing yourself to be stabbed over and over to translate and figure out how painful it could really be. You wish for another chance, but time isn't working that way. There's no miracle as much as you try searching for it just so you could feel again how it is to be with someone you have lost once; not only just physically but also spiritually.

Funny, how pain seemed to be engraved in my blood that it no longer suffocates me or at least not how it used to. But it never meant that joy would be present because of my immunity to pain because those two collided and crashed. My body became chemically imbalance that I am just left with vain and nothingness that I am now just a living dead; and that there is no care, anymore even if I am walking on a thread that would end everything in a flash because even though the whole me is filled with nothingness. There is still such thing as “when everything is too much.”