Her Chaos

Chapter 40

Now or Never by Halsey :)
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15 minutes.

Ive been drenched in rain for 15 minutes now and im shaking .

Its 6 am now and I dont wanna go back to the room. So im here  back on the rooftop crying my heart out.

Id be lying if i say that a part of me was wishing for him to just appear beside me and hug the hell out of me.

But also, I kind of figured that maybe im feeling all these feelings because we had  a connection.

Had. There's nothing I want more than to break whatever connection we have. Because the moment he sucked the life out of my mother, the only family i have left, I just hated him with so much passion even more.

I mean,I hated him the first time I saw him and when he occasionally bullies me but right now I just despise him.

I want nothing to do with him.

Its like, he just used me to get something and now that he has it, im nothing.

But who am I kidding right? Its not like we could actually be friends.
We both belong to different worlds and its not like I could change him.

This is not a badboy cliche story where the girl gets to change the boy every damn time.

Its not.

I just wish  I saw her one last time before she died.

I dont even know how to describe what im feeling right now. Its like my heart just shattered  but its still here. In tact in my chest.

It aches so much I cant breathe...

Im conflicted so damn much.
Im torn between my love for my mom and my unwanted feelings for him.

Its like ,  I understand him but at the same time, I dont want to understand him.

I dont want to defend him to myself.
I dont want to understand that he's evil, ripped at every edge but still a masterpiece .

I dont want to understand that he cant do anything

I dont want to understand him.

When I saw his eyes withering away in guilt , all i could feel is sadness.

I dont want to understand why he did it.

But i cant help it.

I cant fucking help it..

Im sad for him

Im sad for myself

Im sad for us.

We couldve been friends...  or something--- Anything. ...But that thought is burning in flames now.
And it hurts.

I know it shouldnt hurt this much,

But you know what? sadness is like this.
It defies logic even in the most sensible people.
You know , My brain is telling me that its wrong. That its not possible. But my heart ,
Damn my heart. Why does it ache so much? Why does it hurt from the fact that me of all people should be the one who understands Him?
And im in pain because I chose not to.

Why does my heart feel broken? And why does it feel like even if he breaks it even more , id still let him hold it?

Clearly whatever connection we have right now is messing with my mind and my ability to reason out good
grounds.