Quotes and thoughts: from myself and others

and God Says

Though I have no right to, I get surly with my doctors, short-tempered with the people whose job it is to keep me comfortable.

I rail against a diagnosis I don't want to hear: I refuse to accept it, knowing that my refusal won't change a thing, that my opinion in this context counts for nothing.

I think, childishly, that if I don't believe it, it won't come true, as if the truth of this thing were predicated on my belief in it.

I pull the curtains closed to create a small enclave around my hospital bed and, as quietly as I can, I cry into my pillow.

I know that I don't have much time to do this: the nurses come around every 2 hours to give my shots of dilaudid and to change my IV bags.

I have to be brief and I have to be discreet. I don't want to attract any attention for this: I don't want their concern and I don't want to answer their questions.

I allow myself ten minutes for this - only ten - and after it's over, I can't say what I was crying for.

I didn't sleep much in the hospital. Most nights, I wanted nothing more but 2 sit out in front of the hospital where it's was cool, but at least I would have been out in the air.

I lug my IV pole with me and sit near the window looking @ the benches outside in the dark 4 ages, and everything seemed more vivid !

The stars were brighter and more defined, the air seemed sharper, I could literally smell the dying leaves dusty and distinct.

I don't remember noticing that b4 and I think that is the will 2 live but maybe it's just the narcotics.(Actually I always been in tune with that type of stuff)

It's freezing in my room and I'm only wearing hospital pyjamas ( you know damn well my entire ass was out. ( I'm laughing out loud because this was so not funny .)

but my blankets were warm and anyway, it feels good to be in a bed that actually messages my body, vibrates and has the ability to move in three locations. It's great 2 know that I can stinnll feel something.

I look at the stars threw the window and try not to think about what might be coming next. I think again about someone I love and I worry about him for a while.(My noodles, my son)

4 the first time in years, I prayed.( I mean prayed Hard.) When the pain overtakes me, and it does, often, I have 2 steal myself 2 get up and go inside ( a peaceful place in my head, yep!)

but first I sit and say the same thing, mindlessly, over and over again "Please, please make it stop."

Is this praying? I'm not sure. If it is, I don't know who I was talking to.(Lol, shaking. my. head). I am not screaming ( from indescribable pain), which is a good thang.

"Please God", I remember saying, "I can take anything except the sharp ongoing pain the continues."

But now I am doubled over and breathless and I had become nothing more than pain and once again I found myself saying

"Please, please make it stop."

But God said "that's all you'll get." I tried 2 b content with it.

I remember being cowardly and saying I am not brave!, I want this 2 stop. My wife came 2 C me, although I try 2 keep her away.( Just because I know there is nothing she could do and it can be stressful seeing ya bookie pale, n lifeless)

I didn't want anybody 2 C me like this (that). I seen the shock on her face so plainly, I c that by the time she gets in2 the doorway 2 leave, she is already crying inside. marvel @ how strong the urge 2 stay alive is, even though that life is not one anybody would choose if they were given a choice.