I could tell by the look in Ben's eyes he was even more concerned about Sam now. We knew this was going to hit him hard. We knew it would probably affect him in ways we didn't realize at first, but neither of us thought he would be like this.
Was he just talking to Cameron, to feel close to him again? Did it make the grieving process easier? Or, did he actually believe he was talking too and seeing Cameron?
The mere thought scared me to death, and neither of us knew what to do about it.
"I don't know how to help him through this,James" Ben started, shaking his head "I honestly don't. I'm scared. What if this literally breaks him? what if he decides one day you and I aren't enough, that he doesn't want to be here anymore....I couldn't handle losing anyone else. I just couldn't." He finished, stepping outside on the back deck.
I followed suit and rolled myself outside, quietly shutting the door behind me. Everything Ben said made sense. And everything Ben said scared me a little more. What if Sam had cracked? What if he really thought he was still here. what if he completely blocked out the fire and the fact that we lost two people.
"I wish Danny was here." Ben whispered.
I turned my head to look at him and saw his shoulders wracking with each sob. Ben was breaking down. I wasted no time rolling myself closer to him, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him closer. "I know Ben. I wish he was here too." I added "He would have known what to say or do in a situation like this."
Ben nodded. "He would. He was good at things like that. It was one of his strong points. One of the many reasons why I fell head over heels in love with him."
"I hate feeling this way. This fucking helpless feeling. Watching someone you love fall apart and knowing there is nothing you can do to help them. All I want to do is help him. But, I know I can't. I'm not sure what, if anything could help him now." I said, swallowing back my own emotions.
"I know...I feel like an ass for crying over Danny when it's clear Sam needs us to be strong for him. He's not handling this well, and I'm not sure he will make it through without us." Ben stated, turning his attention toward me.
I nodded in agreement. "Whatever happens, Sam is not to be left alone. Someone needs to be with him at all times." I added.
Ben nodded, covering his mouth to stifle a yawn. "Why don't you get some sleep, bro?" I said, grinning over at him. "I can keep an eye on Sam." I promised him.
While Ben opened his mouth to protest, he nodded, laying down on the couch in the living room. "I hope this is okay," He said, propping one of the pillows behind his head "I just can't bring myself to go in that room....Danny and I used to sleep in there."
I nodded. "That's fine, Ben. You do whatever makes you comfortable. You know my house is your house."
It didn't take long for Ben's eyes to fall shut. I sat there silently for a few minutes, hoping he was actually able to sleep. It wasn't too long after that a soft snore was emitted from his parted lips. I let out a breath I hadn't been aware I was holding in as I covered the sleeping man up and headed down the hall to check on Sam.
Pressing my ear against the door once more I didn't hear any talking. I swallowed hard and slowly opened the door. The sight before me heartbreaking.
Sam was laying in the middle of the bed, clutching the pillow tight. It was almost as if he thought the pillow was Cameron. I sighed and turned and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
Once I was satisfied they were both asleep, I headed to my room, shutting the door once I was inside. My room. Hah. If you didn't know it was mine, you'd never know. It looked as though no one had ever been in there much less slept.
That's probably because we are on the road so much that we're hardly ever home.....My thoughts trailed off. The fans. How were we going to tell them? What were we going to tell them? This would be as hard to hear as it was for us to type.
I put that out of my mind, deciding we would deal with that as a family. That and I didn't want to do it on my own.
I wheeled closer to my bed and stood slowly, gently taking a seat on the bed. I sighed as I carefully slid on the bed, resting my head against the pillow.
I slid my phone out of my pocket and sat it on the table next to the bed. I was exhausted. Both physically and mentally. I wanted this to be over. Wanted it to be a nightmare. One that we just all happened to have. I knew it wasn't going to happen though. This was no nightmare. This was our life now.
I let my eyes close for a moment, flashes of Danny and Cameron filling my head. I could feel the tears threaten to spill over at any moment and this time, I didn't fight it. I let the tears fall freely. I lost two special people to me today. It was time for me to mourn for them, even if it were for only a few minutes.
"I'm so sorry Danny. I'm sorry Cam." I began. "I wish I could have saved you both. Ben and Sam need you. Hell, I need you. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but it's hard. Especially with Sam the way he is. Do me a favor, Cameron. Watch out for him. He's not in a good place and I refuse to lose him too. I love you both..." I whispered, crying quietly alone in my room.
